I’ve been working in the studio more than ever – A.K.A. the garage. It’s only about 50% cleared, but I have space to work. I love working in there. I love it so much. On Saturday, I started work in the morning steaming t-shirts and as the heat rose, I thought I should go buy a thermometer, just to see exactly how hot. Turns out, it got to 91 degrees in there. And that’s nothing. It wasn’t even a particularly hot day. It was 80 degrees outside, 91 in the studio. Can you imagine what it’s like in 98 degree weather? By the thermometer’s logic, that would make it 109 in the studio! AJB finally caved and bought his poor, heat stroked fiancee a portable air conditioner. As he came home with the appliance, I stated, “Watch, as soon as we plug it in, the weather’s going to cool off.” Lo, I was right. It’s been a lovely 75 fucking degrees! Jesus. Ain’t it always the way? Well, through the end of the month, it looks like we’ll reach the high 90′s. I’m not wishing for another heat wave, I just want to make sure I use that sucker after all the fuss I made.

As I’m working hard, my eyes are burning with the heat of at least 1200 fires. I suppose this means I need new glasses. This has been the year that I’ve noticed I need my glasses more and more. Like, all the time. I’ve worn reading glasses since I was 17, but I could always get away with not wearing them all the time. These days, Grandma Kristen needs her spectacles. One of the numerous benefits to getting married is having health insurance and (hopefully) eye coverage. Teeth even?

On that note, HOLY CRAP THE WEDDING IS ONLY 46 DAYS AWAY!!!! No, I’m not panicking. I’m freaking the fuck out. We have so much to do. Our wedding planner – the girl that’s making it all happen – is out of town. Her father had a stroke and she’s (as she should be) attending to him. I can’t help but feel like…OMG bad timing! Does that make me a bad person? The selfish part of me is annoyed, the human part of me knows how tough it is when your Dad is sick. I’m sending her good thoughts. Except, now we’re on our own.

To get an idea of where we’re at, here are several important things we need to do: Wedding invites, bridesmaid dresses, grooms’s attire, groomsman’s attire, rehearsal dinner, wedding rings, outfits for the flower kids, wedding night reservations, honeymoon plans, slim the budget substantially, I need to figure out how I want my hair and make-up, alter dress, lose 10 more pounds, make appt. to get hair extensions (it’s gonna look cool), buy wedding shoes, take photo (or Photoshop) for special reception decor, write wedding vows, make favors, make bridesmaid bouquets, and a JILLION other little things.

AJB and I are lazy fucks. We lag on just about everything. When it’s come to the wedding, we’ve been less than proactive. Sure, in the last few months, we’ve gotten a bit more on the ball, but we’re not where we should be. Thankfully, we have lots of help. We’ve also been hellishly busy. Once the kids came back from vacation, we’ve both been working like mad. Who has time to design wedding invites? Yet, it has to get done.

On that note, I have a lot of work to do today.

*sigh*

What I end up doing is summing up and I think I really miss the point of this blog. That is, to capture the events of my life as they unfold. The events have already unfolded and are now a bit wrinkled.

Over the last two weeks, my Mom, JCS and I have been busting ass to assemble my Save the Dates. I lie, mostly, it was Mom and JCS. They really came through. Mom spent a week at my house, staying up late, cutting out little skeletons, punching decorative bats into envelopes, addressing, and doing other miscellaneous tasks. JCS came over everyday and helped a whole lot too. I helped as much as I could, but guess what? I took a bad fall down the stairs and was out of commission right in the middle of the project. Luckily, I didn’t break anything, but I was beaten up and bruised. My legs and knees still hurt, even though I’m mobile. I spent several days in bed.

Over Mother’s Day weekend, my sister and sister-in-law came into town and got wrangled into a couple of all nighters. They’d originally came down to see Star Trek with me and celebrate Mother’s Day, but as it turned out, Mom had a wedding to attend and was gone for 3 days. Even though I was aching, I forced myself to the theater to see Star Trek. I could write an entire post on that movie. For now, I’ll just say it was good and I liked it. A lot.

We managed to get 95% of the Save the Dates out on time. You see, we’d bought these amazing Edgar Allan Poe stamps, but as fate would have it, the price of postage went up today. Rather than attach a stupid 2 cent stamp, we set a deadline which only gave us 10 days to finish. All I can say is, my family really came through for me. I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have a family that will stay up all hours of the night getting hand cramps cutting out skeletons, attaching brads, punching lace, and stamping. This was the Project Royale – the project of all projects and my family brung it! We still have a few more to send out as addresses trickle in, but those will wait a few days and get 2 cent stamps.

And while all this is going on, I’ve started an internship with a super famous, amazing photographer named David LaChapelle. I don’t think the gravity of this position has sunk in just yet. Firstly, this is an outstanding opportunity for me. As a photographer, to watch a master at work…well, that’s priceless. And when I say priceless, I mean, I’m not getting paid. But I look at it this way: Interning is like going to school. They don’t pay you, you pay them. I’m getting a one of a kind education here and all that is required is my time. Besides, I happen to know that plenty of photographers would give their right arm to intern for this guy. Furthermore, aside from cleaning and answering phones, I’m also being given the chance to see how a lucrative photography business is run from behind the scenes. No college in the world teaches you that. When it comes to advanced lighting technique and organizing a grand scale photoshoot for Rolling Stone…well, they don’t teach that at Brooks. I mean, what does it take to get where he’s at? How did he get there? Granted, he is an amazing talent and while I’m good at what I do, I’m not that good. Truth be told, photographers on his level have a lot of help. Me? I’m on my own.

Today was my first day. So much happened. I will write about it, just not tonight.

My sister is in town for the week in an effort to help me plan my wedding. AJB and I got engaged in October 2008 and since then, we’ve done very little to plan this gala event; that is to say, the event of the year. We’ve booked the venue and have made a preliminary guest list (which at the moment nearly reaches 300). We have a few scatterbrained ideas, but nothing concrete and no vendors have been booked.

When I look at the wedding checklists I am inundated with, I become overwhelmed. People keep telling me that this is supposed to be fun, but it’s actually rather stressful. It’s not about impressing people with my management skills or decor ideas, it’s about pulling it off. Really pulling if off. It’s fun in a rather twisted, masochistic way. It’s torture, but it’s enjoyable and amusing.

The best part has been talking with my sister (my Maid of Honor). She’s so funny and smart and allows me to go into whatever zone I need to. I’d say she’s accommodating, but she’s also a great sounding board and isn’t afraid to tell me what she thinks. Ah, the perfect Maid of Honor. I am so very thankful she’s here this week. In fact, I wish she’d never leave or that she lived closer. Anyway, it would help. Alas, things are the way they are and the good news is, we have internets for the communicating.

Today we really kicked into gear. I found out about marriage licenses, posted an ad for a photographer, talked to a caterer, started data entering the guest list, and discussed other miscellaneous ideas. I also found out that the caterer will chew up at least 50% of our budget and that there are a lot of really crappy wedding photographers out there. As a photographer myself, this has been educational.

I’ve learned various things about the wedding photographer’s method:

1. No portfolio is a bad thing. You won’t get the job.
2. Link to you site. Don’t ask me to Google you.
3. If you don’t have wedding shots in your portfolio, you should probably work on that.
4. Don’t charge too much. The economy is bad.
5. If your website is ugly, I’m moving on.
6. Don’t congratulate me on my wedding. I know you don’t really care.
7. Read the ad. 80% of the responses don’t apply to my specifications.
8. Website slide-shows are inane if I can’t control how fast they move or when. Galleries are better.
9. Right. Website music is bad. You don’t have the same taste in music as your client.
10. Put your prices and options where I can find them.
11. Don’t confess that you have no experience, I can figure that out and it makes you look bad.
12. I’m the bride, give me what I want.

#12 is a little bitchy, but as far as I’m concerned, this planning a wedding thing is like running a business. I have to be in top form to get this handled and you, the wedding photographer, are my lowly employee. I pay you to capture my special moments and dammit, you better do it! Capture my special moments!

I mostly jest, but I mostly don’t. You’d be amazed how terrible some of the responses have been. It’s almost a joke. I can’t imagine HOW these photographers make money shooting weddings. I assume they shoot one or two friend’s weddings, make a slide show and then start charging.

Oh well. We’ve only just begun. I’m really trying not to stress, but it’s all so overwhelming. How do you create the most special day of your life? Think about that for a second. This day, your wedding day, is touted as one of the most important days of your life. That’s a lot of pressure. Like I said, I just want to pull this thing off. I expect hitches whilst getting hitched and I expect that not everything will go as planned. That said, I am thankful for the aid of my sister, my family, my groom-to-be, and my own self preservation instincts.

Two years later, I still miss my Dad everyday. The tears don’t fall quiet as steadily, but it still hits me from time to time. Through sheer force of will, I have attempted to live my life; a life my Dad would be proud of. Two years later and I continue to wish I could share things with him, tell him my good news, or just hear his voice.

A few months ago, I was trying to fasten around my neck, a necklace that he’d given me. Suddenly, it slipped from my hands and went crashing down on the cold bathroom floor. It was a royal blue, glass heart, vile. I remember when he gave it to me, I asked him what I was supposed to keep in it…drugs? He laughed and said he didn’t know you could keep stuff in it. It wasn’t the most beautiful necklace, in fact, it was sort of cheap. I wore it all the time anyway. I loved it because he gave it to me. He saw it in a store, thought of me, and gave it to me. When I looked down at the hundreds of tiny blue pieces of glass, I burst into tears and was inconsolable for a few moments. It couldn’t be fixed. For a minute, I thought about keeping the shards of glass, but came to my senses. I have other things: Photographs, knick-knacks, mementos, my memories.

Occasionally, it hits me really hard as though I’ve been punched in the chest. My Dad is really gone. It still seems unfair. It remains the great tragedy of my life. I try not to think about him not walking me down the aisle or dancing with me at my wedding – or getting drunk and obnoxious. He wouldn’t like that I’m wearing black, but I’d make some joke about not being a virgin anymore and he’d laugh it off uncomfortably or get annoyed with me for being so crass. He probably wouldn’t like that I’m not getting married in a church in front of God, but I’d work to change his mind the way I did with just about everything. Eventually, he’d see my point.

It’s raining today. My brother JCS and I want to visit his grave site today. Hardly anyone has gone in the last year. Not because they don’t miss him, but because it’s just too painful. It’s raining, so maybe we won’t go. I’ve also had a headache and neck ache since yesterday. I don’t particularly like going to the grave because he’s not really there. It’s a beautiful place, serene and quiet, but he’s not there.

I don’t know if I appreciated him enough when he was here or if I let him know how much I loved him. I hope I did. I think he knew. Still, the one thing I’ve taken from this is that you absolutely need to let people know how you feel. Life is short. Our time on this planet is but the blink of an eye.

It’s a nice thought to think that our loved ones are watching us from Heaven, but I don’t know. I wonder. If it’s true, my Dad can look down from time to time and see that I’m doing just fine. Better, anyway.

It’s the perfect day for rain. It rained the day we put his ashes into the ground.

I miss you, Dad.

And this isn’t the first time this has happened. A few months ago, I was hired to shoot a Fall catalog for a small clothing company called IDI. They hired me. I was hired. I spoke with Melissa (several times) and another person named Richard, who confirmed I was hired. I even booked models per their request. I kept them updated every step of the way and waited to hear back. A week passed. I called the company and inquired about the shoot. A receptionist informed me that the shoot had already taken place and they had used another photographer. When I complained to Melissa, she told me that they never actually made a commitment to use me and that they were waiting for ME to get in touch with them. In fact, she acted as though I were imaging they hired me. Because everything had taken place over the phone, I didn’t actually have any proof. Now, I’m not sure why they went ahead without me after verbally committing, but it doesn’t matter. They should have let me know. I even complained to the head of the company who treated me like a nuisance. Later, just to be a bitch, I sent them an invoice for my lost time. Obviously, they never paid me.

Needless to say, in this, the age of communication, why do people find it difficult to communicate? How hard is it to send a one line email that states you’ve changed your mind? Furthermore, if you actually hire someone and end up not being able to commit, it’s only common courtesy to let that person know. What these inconsiderate assholes don’t understand is that they’ve hung me out to dry. I book the time, I hire talent, I set aside time, I prepare, I make plans, I lose money. I shouldn’t have to say it, but it’s rude and unprofessional. It’s just plain rude. If you make plans and can’t keep them, have the decency to cancel! It’s never OK to make someone wait, to put them out, or upset their schedule. I’m a human being and I think I deserve better. I realize that you’re busy, but it literally takes two seconds to send an email. There really is no excuse for ignoring someone you’ve hired to do a job. Besides the fact that I was really looking forward to each of these jobs, there is of course, the big let down.

Now, I understand things happen. Maybe the head of the clothing company promised his cousin he could have the job. Maybe the wedding got canceled. Thing is, I don’t know. All I have to go on is silence. To ignore someone as though they are insignificant? Why do people do this? I could answer this question simply by expressing that people are assholes. But I just don’t get it. I really try to reply to all the email I receive. I know what it’s like to be on the other end. I ignore the occasional email, but if I’ve made a commitment to someone and can’t keep it, I apologize left and right. I let them know I’m sorry and I try to make it up to them. I hate letting people down, even if I don’t know them. It’s just not cool to treat people like dirt. They should be ashamed of themselves.

I guess the internet makes it easy. There was a time when people RSVP’d for parties by hand written letter, when it was considered impolite to ignore a written request, when your word was your bond. In this day and age, people are just screen names and common courtesy just isn’t that common anymore.

I guess, all I can do is sum up, really. I’ve been making an effort to keep entries around 500 words or so, but that’s easier said than done when I don’t write in a while.

The biggest news of late is that we have a new member of the family. To make a long story short (too late), my ex-boyfriend Todd and his girlfriend have moved to Marrakech and needed to re-home their cat Eva; who happens to be the biological sister of my cat Matilda. Todd gave me Matilda. Over the last few weeks, I’ve attempted to minimize the stress of a new cat on Oatmeal and Matilda, doing all the things I read about on the net and spoke with the vet about. It all went great until a “fiancee who shall not be named” accidentally let Matilda (the jealous baby of the family) into Eva’s safe room. Since then, growls and hisses a’plenty.

After a few more days of quarantine, we finally let Eva out to mingle with the others. There have been a few chase scenes and various growling matches, but otherwise smooth sailing. I’m making sure to let all the cats know that each one is a unique snowflake by spending time with them and laying on the love big time. Things are going well and tonight, all 3 cats played in close proximity to one another without any altercations.

We’re so happy to have Eva here. She’s a sweetheart and I know, in time, all 3 kittehs will soon be piled on top of one another cuddling in the afternoon sun…as cats do.

Along with that, I’ve been pretty busy with my photography. I just finished up with a new client shooting cosmetics. I have to say, my work continues to improve and I often marvel at my own abilities. While I don’t expect Revlon to be calling any time soon, I did some great work and I finally feel as though the mystery of really great lighting is finally revealing itself to me. Or at least, I understand it whole lot more than I did a year ago.

I haven’t had any time to plan my wedding. The holidays and the economy put any real intentions to a grinding halt. We haven’t booked the venue and I’m afraid we’ll lose it. At the same time, when I start worrying (as I do), I wonder if I actually know enough people to fill a big venue like the Masonic Temple. I think the majority of our guests will be guests of our guests. Since I’ve never planned a big event like this, I know I need help. Where do we stand financially? Who knows. Things are unclear at the moment. I feel this general sense of woe regarding the economic crisis and I have this sinking feeling that things are only going to get worse. Because I’m often right about any number of things, the thought scares me.

I’ve passed 500 words. More later.

We decided to throw an last minute, impromptu Christmas Night party and invited a handful of people. I figured it would be a nice way to unwind after all the fuss, but it ended up being yet another source of stress – as holiday parties often are. First off, the house was a disaster, I hadn’t done my Christmas shopping, I needed to cook for our family’s Christmas Eve party, and I needed to buy supplies for OUR party. In the middle of all that, I missed an entire day due to a bad sinus headache. Rushing around, hitting the malls, power-shopping. It was all too much! Meanwhile, AJB was decorating the house and I was freaking out because I hate doing it all last minute.

We spent Christmas Eve at my cousin DD’s house. Kids a’plenty and a virtual present orgy commenced. Christmas is so great for kids. I mean, it really is the holiday of all holidays for them. The best part is watching them rip open their presents and squee with delight. We had a great meal of tamales, beans, rice, and all the usual fixin’s. Mom made a boat load of holiday cookies that looked straight out of Martha Stewart. DKS made a pumpkin/chocolate cake that was a big hit. Naturally, with so much to do, I didn’t get any baking done this year. Regardless, it was a great night and I love spending time with my family – especially now that my Grandma Laura is so sick, it’s starting to feel like she won’t be with us much longer.

This holiday came and went far too quickly. We got our tree late, we were decorating, shopping, cooking, entertaining, and wrapping gifts with this huge countdown clock over our heads. Needless to say, it all finally caught up with me this morning and I had a major meltdown. Add to this that I miss my Dad and wish my baby brother in Omaha were here; but with a new baby and all, he couldn’t make it.

Today, we got to Mom’s about two hours late. She decorated her house and made a wonderful breakfast feast. We opened presents and then rushed back to our house to get ready for our party. We did it. We got it all done and the house looked amazing! I must say, it looked like one of those houses you see on TV. Simply perfect. The garland I complained about taking so long to hang looked phenomenal. We played classic holiday music, lit candles, laid out a delicious spread, and warmed our buns by the fire. I made spiced rum punch (mental note: make next year) and Mexican hot chocolate. Everything was beyond wonderful. AJB’s kids showed up, his eldest son invited his new girlfriend (whom we all like very much), my Mom came and so did a few friends. It was lovely. We played charades and opened more gifts.

Was it all worth it? *sigh* Yes it was. It always is. I just wish that I could figure out how to get it all done earlier. This last minute hustle and bustle drives me nuts and as proven by this morning’s meltdown, takes me to a place I don’t enjoy going. Somehow, however, it all worked out and it was just about the loveliest holiday anyone could have asked for. With all the stress, I think I forget that it really is about seeing friends and family. That’s it. Spending time with the people who make the other 364 days of the year meaningful.

And now, finally, I can divulge a secret I’ve been keeping for two months. AJB and I are engaged. He proposed on October 15th, but I’ve been waiting to talk about it until all my family knew. And now they all know. We made our official announcement at my cousin’s house last night. Everyone was so happy. When I tell people about how he proposed and I show them the ring, I get ooohs and aahhhs. It’s hard to explain, but it’s sort of like being famous. Everyone wants to congratulate you and see the ring so you end up telling the story numerous times and it gets better each time I tell it as I slowly figure out exactly how to elucidate the turn of events. It actually feels odd to be the center of attention. You’d think it wouldn’t, but it does.

Well, it’s late. I’ll write more about the wedding, the plans, the proposal, and all that later. I’m sleeping in tomorrow. Goodnite Christmas. See you next year.