I like to pretend I’m brave and a go-getter, but when it comes to my art, I’ve always been a little chicken shit. During my formative years, I faced so much criticism from people that I learned to stop showing my work. I knew I was talented and part of me even knew it didn’t matter what people said, but I found that whenever I showed my work, people always told me what was wrong with it; as if they thought I could take it. You’d think someone like me would use that information to improve. I tried, but after a while, I felt like I was the only person who appreciated my work. I spent many years wondering what the point was. Should be an artist at all? Was I a sham? Did I want so badly to be an “artist” that I continued to make crap nobody liked despite my worst critics? No matter how much I told myself that their opinions didn’t matter, it wasn’t true. It did matter. It matters, but some people are simply assholes.

Unlike a lot of artists, I never had a mentor and my internships have all turned out to be huge let downs. I’ve read books and articles hungrily searching for tricks, tips, and advice. I’ve taken classes and even walked up to photographers to ask them questions about their techniques and equipment. Nothing has been handed to me. So when I see other photographers, people who have done far better than me in less time, I can’t help but feel inferior. They’re out there making names for themselves and I’m sitting at home wondering how to make a name for myself.

During my 1st year out as a freelancer, I worked hard and did a lot of “pay your dues” work. I learned a lot, but found that I still didn’t know how the system worked. How were my friends making money, getting printed, and showing up in galleries? How does that work?

The hardest facet of being an artist is learning how to sell yourself. My friends have photo blogs, they talk constantly about their work, and they’re always working on something. Now, let’s not forget, they’re also in their 20′s and can live on Top Ramen and Red Bulls. Had I been more focused, a bit smarter, I could have done what they have done. So now I’m married with step-kids and while that’s not a valid excuse, it does add a certain level of complication to the matter. The other issue is that I carefully release my work, only showing the work I’m totally positive will get a good response. I don’t ever show my mediocre work, or at least, I’m afraid to. I seem to have a heightened sense of good or bad in own my work. My friends, they show everything…even the bad stuff. Are they better photographers than me? In some cases, yes. In others, no. They’re putting themselves out there and perhaps it doesn’t occur to them that someone might say they hate it. Frankly, I haven’t seen that yet. They seem to get a good deal of affirmation in their work, even the work that I wouldn’t consider good; if it were mine.

It took me a year to start telling people, with confidence, that I was a photographer. When I started doing that, my life started making sense. I’ve always been a photographer, but felt that since I wasn’t making money and didn’t have the portfolio to back it up, I shouldn’t rightfully call myself one. It sounded pretentious and I was worried that I would appear to be egotistical. That was then. I now have a pretty decent portfolio and I’m more determined than ever to make a go of it. This is what I want, this is who I am. I am a photographer, dammit. This is the year that I will hype my shit and show my work. I’ll find a way to stay respectable and not come off as an egomaniac.

With that said, I took a leap and submitted 7 of my recent Polaroids to a one night gallery showing in Santa Monica. As many of you know, Polaroid is one of my favorite film types. I just love it. I put off submitting my work to this show because…you guessed it, I was afraid. When the deadline drew near, I fought my inner critic and eventually won. I sent them out and felt as though I was throwing caution to the wind. Let the chips fall where they may. Turns out, they’re using my work. In what capacity, I’m still not sure. My name is on the list of contributors and I’m attending the show tonight.

Let the chips fall where they may. I figure, some things work and you can’t please everyone.