Later, another student helped me work on my falling techniques. Falling is hard. First of all, you have to fall – which is terrifying in itself. Secondly, the forward fall means going face first – or at least it feels that way. It’s not that I’m worried about falling on my face, the technique is to protect your neck and head, but it’s about letting go and just doing it. I tried a few times and failed miserably. What bothered me most was that often times, I just froze. I couldn’t do it. The forward roll includes rolling like you’re holding a ball. I couldn’t do it so they gave me a real ball to work with. I still had a hard time and ended up flopping on my ass.

After that I went home. I felt like shit and had somehow twisted my knee. All those warm, fuzzy feelings I had about Jujitsu class went away and I confronted the fact that I am weak and fragile. I also sort of felt like the students who were teaching me were getting frustrated and a little annoyed. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I wondered.

It occurs to me that I’ve never been a real risk taker. Not when it comes to bodily harm. Even as a child, I was always careful about getting hurt. I once climbed to the top of the spider bars and sat there for two seconds before I freaked out and climbed back down. Once I got all the way to the top of the metal spaceship, sat there for two seconds, felt claustrophobic and climbed back down. I was always hyper aware of what I was doing and what could potentially lead to my getting hurt. Last night the teacher talked about how kids always have one fall they always remember. I don’t. I never fell off my bike and when I fell on my skates, I somehow made it to the soft grass. I’ve never had a bad fall. So really, you’d think I don’t have any major issues to get over, but yet last night, I couldn’t do these basic falls. Everyone kept telling that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else without learning these falls.

I know it was only my second day, but I feel broken and defeated. My body hurts and in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if the way people see me (a delicate flower) isn’t true. That’s not really how I see myself. If that were true, I wouldn’t be taking Jujitsu classes.

Perhaps it’s the differences in student teachers. On Monday, the guy I worked with was patient and let me fuck up numerous times. He helped me a great deal. Yesterday, I felt like the only reason anyone worked me was because practicing means partnering with someone and I made it even. Whoever didn’t have a partner, ended up with me, the dunce.

Yes, I’ll go back. I sort of feel like never showing my face again, but if I don’t go back, it just means that everyone is right about me. And I can’t have that, can I? I now realize that I do have something to prove. I’m not weak, I’m not fragile, and I can do this.

I’ve never been a sporty person. In 6th grade, I tried out for the softball team and was so terrible, the coach asked me never to come back. In Junior High, I hated P.E. so much that as soon as I hit the blind spot behind the handball courts, I’d jump through a hole in the fence other P.E. haters had made. I’d leave for an hour and show up like nothing happened. It was brilliant. My parents made me take soccer when I was about 11/12. I hated it. Most games, I just stood there and looked at the clouds. If the ball ever actually came my way, I’d try to kick it and fail Charlie Brown style. I didn’t merely dislike sports, I was magnificently bad at them. I was an artist. I drew, wrote, and took pictures. I was sensitive and I hated jocks.

So why on Earth have I signed up for Jujitsu classes? I answer myself and say, “I don’t know, why did I?” I immediately realize that it’s because I need to. AJB travels a lot and sometimes I’m alone in our big, spooky house. I can rationalize all I want that the noises I hear outside are raccoons and not burglars, the footsteps in the main room are ghosts and not a real person, or that someone isn’t lurking in the bushes ready to strike. I can do that, but it doesn’t work. I’ve found that when AJB leaves, I don’t sleep. I’ll stay awake, checking the doors, watching the windows, and listening for sounds until I finally collapse with all the lights on. The next day, I’m a zombie and I don’t get anything done. Furthermore, when I was in college, I’d walk home and just about every night I’d get followed home or asked if I needed a ride by some pervert. A model friend of mine goes jogging every morning and sometimes gets followed by creeps. You hear stories, you’re bombarded with bad things in the news. Girls get kidnapped and raped in broad daylight. Sadly, the world isn’t safe.

It’s not paranoia, but these things do happen and to say “it’ll never happen to me” is being delusional…because it really could. In fact, I think all women should take a self defense class. You just never know when some cracked-out PCP addict will decide you’re cute and rape the shit out of you. How do you defend yourself? How do you get out of a choke hold? If someone is pinning you down, how do you turn the tables? That’s what I want to know! I want to know these things because I’ll sleep better at night knowing that I have a skill that my (potential) attacker doesn’t.

I attended my first class last night. I learned how to fall sideways, forward, and backward. I’m not good at it, but I will be with time. I also learned how to avoid someone who’s going for you and how, if someone’s punching you, to push them out of the way. First night and all, it was a lot of information, but instantly, I learned that with very little pressure, you can actually do a lot of damage. We learned this twisty wrist thing and I kept feeling like I was going to hurt my classmates. I also leaned that despite being deadly, Jujitsu can also get you out of sticky situations without any harm done to you or your opponent. Already, I feel empowered. I also realized that Jujitsu, like dance, is an art and of all the martial arts is perfect for right-brained people. I like that.

When I got into my bright, white uniform and no socks, I felt like I dork. There I was with my blue pony-tail, learning how to take down an attacker twice my size. Wow. Weird, right? I never thought in a million years I’d be doing something like this. Never. Ever. I instantly conquered my dorky inhibitions and decided to enjoy the class. All the students are really great. I’m not sure who’s who and what’s what, but there is a good vibe at this school and I feel like I belong. Everyone is really cool and helpful. Students from all walks of life attend this school including a female Pasadena police officer and a 15 year old kid that was getting picked on by classmates. Apparently his grades and self esteem have gone up since he started the class. I also like that this school doesn’t have a competitive nature. It’s all about education.

I might never get attacked in a dark alley by a cracked-out PCP addict, but knowing that I will be prepared comforts me. You see, being scared isn’t my thing. It’s bothered me. I’m an intelligent person so why I am scared to be alone in my own house? I’m also a proactive person and I’m all about getting passed by own personal hurdles. Life is about making yourself a better person and learning as much as you can. So why not learn this?