Just about every “blogger” has the lame tradition of going over the year’s events as each year draws to a close. I do it because I always have and it helps me assess things, keep things in perspective, and prepare for the next 365 days.
2007 will always be the year my dad died. Even though other events skirted in and out of sunrises and sunsets, it’s hard to think about anything else. I lost so much this year. The family (en masse) I once knew seems to be a reasonable facsimile of the vivacious group of people I spent my holidays with. Are we closer? I don’t know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Fantasies bring pictures of uniting through tragedy and while this is sometimes the case, it isn’t often. Alas, I am unsure of what it will take and often wonder that I might have to trudge on without them. Maybe it just takes time.
2007 was also the year I moved in with my boyfriend. We got into a grand house in a grand neighborhood. I see his children more often and I am now hostess to my family’s year Christmas Eve Spectacular. My life isn’t anything like it was a year ago. Every thing’s changed. It’s funny how you can actually track the changes, if you want to. The choices you make and the choices that are made for you. They shape you and mold you. If you’re not careful, you may end up becoming someone you hardly recognize. And that has been my battle, my haunted quest. Who I become in the wake of my father’s death is now up for discussion.
One year ago tonight I was trapped in Albuquerque, snowed-in during what eventually became the largest snow storm New Mexico had ever seen. I often wonder about these things. You see, I didn’t really want to go home. I wanted to spend as much time with my dad as possible. The snow storm made it possible. Thanks to nature and it’s unpredictability, I was granted a few more precious days. We didn’t do anything. We watched TV, talked a little, he slept, we slept. It was nice and I treasure those days. When I drove away, I cried. I guess I must have known that he wouldn’t make it. Even though my brain lied to me and told me he’d be fine, my soul knew different.
In 2007 I received money my dad left me and bought a professional camera, a highly expensive lens, and a new iMac. I don’t think I could have ever afforded any of that if it hadn’t been for my dad.
During the trials and tribulations of 2007, I suffered and continue to suffer from stress related eczema. I haven’t liked talking about it because it’s highly personal, unflattering, and annoying. I’m resolve in my belief that I won’t have it much longer and that because of it, I have altered my eating habits and am honestly trying to live a more healthy and productive life. I’m still a work in progress, but the way I figure…I’m working on it. That’s a good thing. The holidays set me back a bit, but I guess the point is to keep trying.
2007 was the hardest year of my life. Even though every day it gets a little better, I remain slightly broken. Adding salt to my wounds, my grandfather was recently admitted to the hospital. I’m not really sure what’s going on, but apparently he’s getting sent home and might still be in bad shape. How well do 90 year olds recover from this sort of thing? I imagine not well and while he might go home, he won’t be healthy, he’ll be a lot more frail and his days will be numbered. I guess at 90, they already are. There are also various custody battles going on over my grandfather and his future is highly uncertain.
2007 was a bad year mixed with small tinges of good. I also went to New York, a town I love more than a whole lot of other towns. I had dinner with Ray Bradbury at Disneyland’s Club 33, I got a new iPhone, my baby brother got engaged to a girl no one likes, my siblings divvied up my dad’s remaining possessions, my boyfriend and I discovered that we still like each other enough to live together after miscellaneous growing pains, and I accomplished several amazing photo shoots. I’m in a whole new place. My mind, my soul, everything. It’s all new and scary and difficult.
What lies ahead for 2008? Do I dare make resolutions? I figure, why bother? I won’t follow them anyhow and like 2007, I’ll simply hope for the best. I know things will get better because I want them to. I’ll continue to make strides and will strive to create a life my dad would be proud of. As each day passes, the reality of his demise will set in a little more and I’ll stop wishing it weren’t true and simply accept it as fact. In 2008 my brother will most likely get married and I’ll see Omaha for the first time. I’ll probably hate it. In the coming year, I might find financial independence or I might chicken out and stick to the status quo. I might find some semblance of bravery and go after the things I want with gusto. Time will tell, the days will pass, and they fly by faster every year. 2008 will pass faster than 2007 and I’ll be one year older. Things will continue to change and so will I.
See what happened in 2006.
