Tag Archives: 2007

In the end, 2007

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Just about every “blogger” has the lame tradition of going over the year’s events as each year draws to a close. I do it because I always have and it helps me assess things, keep things in perspective, and prepare for the next 365 days.

2007 will always be the year my dad died. Even though other events skirted in and out of sunrises and sunsets, it’s hard to think about anything else. I lost so much this year. The family (en masse) I once knew seems to be a reasonable facsimile of the vivacious group of people I spent my holidays with. Are we closer? I don’t know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Fantasies bring pictures of uniting through tragedy and while this is sometimes the case, it isn’t often. Alas, I am unsure of what it will take and often wonder that I might have to trudge on without them. Maybe it just takes time.

2007 was also the year I moved in with my boyfriend. We got into a grand house in a grand neighborhood. I see his children more often and I am now hostess to my family’s year Christmas Eve Spectacular. My life isn’t anything like it was a year ago. Every thing’s changed. It’s funny how you can actually track the changes, if you want to. The choices you make and the choices that are made for you. They shape you and mold you. If you’re not careful, you may end up becoming someone you hardly recognize. And that has been my battle, my haunted quest. Who I become in the wake of my father’s death is now up for discussion.

One year ago tonight I was trapped in Albuquerque, snowed-in during what eventually became the largest snow storm New Mexico had ever seen. I often wonder about these things. You see, I didn’t really want to go home. I wanted to spend as much time with my dad as possible. The snow storm made it possible. Thanks to nature and it’s unpredictability, I was granted a few more precious days. We didn’t do anything. We watched TV, talked a little, he slept, we slept. It was nice and I treasure those days. When I drove away, I cried. I guess I must have known that he wouldn’t make it. Even though my brain lied to me and told me he’d be fine, my soul knew different.

In 2007 I received money my dad left me and bought a professional camera, a highly expensive lens, and a new iMac. I don’t think I could have ever afforded any of that if it hadn’t been for my dad.

During the trials and tribulations of 2007, I suffered and continue to suffer from stress related eczema. I haven’t liked talking about it because it’s highly personal, unflattering, and annoying. I’m resolve in my belief that I won’t have it much longer and that because of it, I have altered my eating habits and am honestly trying to live a more healthy and productive life. I’m still a work in progress, but the way I figure…I’m working on it. That’s a good thing. The holidays set me back a bit, but I guess the point is to keep trying.

2007 was the hardest year of my life. Even though every day it gets a little better, I remain slightly broken. Adding salt to my wounds, my grandfather was recently admitted to the hospital. I’m not really sure what’s going on, but apparently he’s getting sent home and might still be in bad shape. How well do 90 year olds recover from this sort of thing? I imagine not well and while he might go home, he won’t be healthy, he’ll be a lot more frail and his days will be numbered. I guess at 90, they already are. There are also various custody battles going on over my grandfather and his future is highly uncertain.

2007 was a bad year mixed with small tinges of good. I also went to New York, a town I love more than a whole lot of other towns. I had dinner with Ray Bradbury at Disneyland’s Club 33, I got a new iPhone, my baby brother got engaged to a girl no one likes, my siblings divvied up my dad’s remaining possessions, my boyfriend and I discovered that we still like each other enough to live together after miscellaneous growing pains, and I accomplished several amazing photo shoots. I’m in a whole new place. My mind, my soul, everything. It’s all new and scary and difficult.

What lies ahead for 2008? Do I dare make resolutions? I figure, why bother? I won’t follow them anyhow and like 2007, I’ll simply hope for the best. I know things will get better because I want them to. I’ll continue to make strides and will strive to create a life my dad would be proud of. As each day passes, the reality of his demise will set in a little more and I’ll stop wishing it weren’t true and simply accept it as fact. In 2008 my brother will most likely get married and I’ll see Omaha for the first time. I’ll probably hate it. In the coming year, I might find financial independence or I might chicken out and stick to the status quo. I might find some semblance of bravery and go after the things I want with gusto. Time will tell, the days will pass, and they fly by faster every year. 2008 will pass faster than 2007 and I’ll be one year older. Things will continue to change and so will I.

See what happened in 2006.

2006: Closed for Business

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What a strange, horrible, and exciting year this has been. 2006 was the year my Grandma Lena died, my boyfriend’s father died, I got a new car, my old boss left, I got a new boss, I went to Europe, went to Las Vegas, took small steps to becoming an independent photographer, received fulltime status at work with benefits, my dad moved to New Mexico, my baby brother moved to Omaha, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes, we found out two of my cousins have schizophrenia, my sister and sister-in-law bought a house, and finally, my father was diagnosed with cancer. Right now, I can’t come up with the full list of goods and bads because I’m just too darned tired.

I am currently snowed in. Stuck in Rio Rancho, New Mexico with 8 inches of snow outside, closed roads, and nasty weather conditions. My brother and I were to leave today, back to Pasadena, 13 hours in the car, and eventually home. It didn’t happen. It started snowing last night and for some reason, we all thought it wouldn’t last, that we could leave on schedule. It snowed all day today. For a girl born and raised in Southern California’s mild climate, snow is a sort of novelty. Once my family and I went up to Big Bear; ran around in the snow, constructed a snow bear (of which my father adorned with a cast away beer bottle), but that was like, 17 years ago. Since then, I’ve seen patches of snow here and there in miscellaneous places, but never real, honest-to-goodness snowfall like this. I mean, it was snowing all freakin’ day! Matter of fact, it’s still snowing, which means my brother and I may stay another day. At one point during the day, my youngest brother (who is unable to leave due to canceled flights, the brother from Omaha) played in the backyard hurling snowballs at one another. He made a snow angel, but it looked more like moved around snow. Mostly, we stayed on the couch and watched TV and looked at snow from the window. I took a nap. This entire week has been very relaxed. More than wanting to see side towns and landmarks, I was happy sitting on the couch next to my dad watching local news. Through his illness, he’s remained mostly sedentary in a worn out corner of the couch, catching up on daytime television, sleeping, and complaining of miscellaneous pains. All I really wanted to accomplish by this trip, I’ve done: Hang out with my dad.

Christmas itself was a nice, mellow day. My sister and sister-in-law flew in from Vallejo Valley (outside San Francisco). My baby brother flew in from Omaha. We all watched Christmas movies, ate, opened presents, and spent some much needed time together. Albeit a little stressed due to my dad’s condition, I couldn’t have asked for a better holiday. We even made it out to Santa Fe for a few hours before it got really cold. On the 26th, my boyfriend…let me rephrase, my awesome boyfriend, flew in from Los Angeles to spend a few days with me before he darted off to Chicago where his kids were waiting for him. We exchanged gifts and ate meals together. I slept two nights at the local Hyatt Resort…two nights on a real bed, rather than the air mattress I’ve been occupying lately. Mostly, however, this trip can best be described as simple and quiet. Aside from trips to the doctor, my dad isn’t really able to get out, so I’m happy when he’s awake, talking and joking.

I want to go home, but I don’t. I miss my cats, but I’m not nearly ready to return to the real world. A world without snow, a world far away from my dad, and back to the grindstone. Work. I’ve hardly thought about it this week. Somehow the people, the tasks, the work-flow, the noise, and the headaches are so far away and unimportant. I would drop it all if my Dad asked me to. He won’t ask and by New Year’s Eve, I should be back in my messy little apartment cuddling with my kitties, and preparing to return to work. I’m filled with thoughts of leaving it all behind; with thoughts of more important things like family and personal goals. Life. It’s short and the people who make my life miserable are easier to toss aside than I think. If only in my mind.

It’s the end of another year. Another year come and gone, good things, bad things, all the (fucking) yin and yang I can handle. This past week was filled with comfort and joy, happiness and sorrow. Comfort in knowing my family can honestly pull together when the going gets rough. Joy that my boyfriend makes time for me in the form of grand gestures. Happiness that my Dad is alive. Sorrow that he’s sick and I’m going home. Mostly happy that I am loved by the people I love. If nothing else, this year was a lesson in life…life isn’t fair, it isn’t always fun. Bad things happen, but good things do too. Even when things seem their darkest, I must always search for a silver lining. I have to.