I’ve started thinking about why I’m not blogging as much as I used to. Could be that not a whole lot is going on…no, wait, that’s not true. All kinds of things are going on. And then it hits me: Twitter. AJB mentioned something about how his own blog has suffered at the hands of Twitter. I make mini-updates throughout the day, so why go back and write the long version? People get the point, right? Do I want my life memorialized in tiny, bite sized chunks or do I want to remember things the way they happened? Is there a difference?

Is “Watched TV for an hour” better than “Last night, the kids and I watched Star Trek together. It was their idea and I was happy to discover that Cat has a mean crush on Spock…which doesn’t mirror my own infatuation with Kirk, but hey…it’s Trek and we don’t have to like the same things. We’re still in the same category. It’s wonderful to see that AJB’s kids are latching onto things that I like and while we all like each other very much, it’s awesome to have pop-culture references to geek out over together. This always leads me back to the conclusion that I am the luckiest soon-to-be step-mom in history.”

I for one, like the elaboration. And by the way, that’s a true story. After watching the new JJ Abrams Star Trek, the kids have really gotten into the world of Star Trek. It piqued their interest and they now want to watch more of the original series – which makes my heart sing. Because, as you know, I’m a huge Trek fan. Not the kind that dresses up, but I do go to conventions and swoon in geekiness. Actually, I’d dress up if I could. I’ve always wanted one of those Operations Division uniforms for females. You know, the Uhura dress. I digress, where was I? Except, hold on, the Star Trek Grand Slam is taking place in November at the LAX Marriott. I think I’ll be on my honeymoon.

Onto other topics now.

On Tuesday, I saw a new doctor to help me with my skin condition – the elusive and determined eczema rashes on my hands and now, my face. Dude, I’m one of those gross weirdos with rashes on their faces. You know the kind of person you see on the bus, red patches all over their cheeks and mouth, you try not to stare, but you can’t help yourself? That’s me. AJB says it’s not that bad, but he doesn’t have to look at me in the mirror everyday. Ugly or not, it’s been rather uncomfortable as well. That said, I also can’t get married with rashes on my face. There is some reason why it’s not going away. Despite all my best efforts, it lessens, but never goes away. The good news is, it’s not nearly as bad as it was a year ago. I’m obviously exaggerating. It’s not that bad. It’s bad enough that I need to take drastic action.

This new doctor has put me on an allergy elimination diet – this means I cut out any potentially offending foods. After two weeks, I reintroduce foods one by one. The hardest thing to give up has been coffee. As a result, I had a killer migraine for 2 days. I spent those days in pain or sleeping. Today is the 3rd day and while I desperately want a cup of steaming, hot coffee, I don’t feel as terrible as I did on Day 1. AJB’s assistant reminds me that after two weeks, I probably won’t want coffee. The caffeine will be out of my system and my body will have figured out how to live without it. Going back on means I’m making a choice to continue an addiction to coffee. Well, I’ve been drinking coffee since I was 15. Is that an addiction?

I don’t really like to call my love affair with coffee an “addiction”. Many happy moments have been shared over a cup of coffee. Good conversations, beautiful cafes, good people. In fact, when AJB and I were in Italy, I made it a point to drink an espresso and have a smoke at an outdoor cafe. It was lovely. It was simply lovely.

A finished espresso and smoke at Cafe Gilli in Florence.

The question is, after two weeks will I choose to restart a 19 year addiction? Most likely. Like smoking, there are emotional connections to the act of drinking coffee, to making a great cup, sitting at a Denny’s with my sister playing cards into the wee hours of the night, my first date with AJB, my first job in Pasadena at a coffee house, talking about the moon with my brother Paul, sitting with my Dad and arguing politics, discussing the importance of The Sims with JCS, meeting countless friends for coffee, that first cup in the morning, and discovering that after 19 years, I really do know the difference between good and bad coffee. So you see, it’s not about the caffeine (although that helps), it’s a part of my life. I might go so far as to say that it’s a part of who I am. I’m a coffee drinker.

When I was 15, the reason I started drinking coffee was because I was reading a great deal of the Beat Poets (especially Kerouac) and the idea of old fashioned coffee houses intrigued me. The idea of reading, writing, and smoking in a coffee house…it was a romantic notion to me. It still is. I wrote a lot more when I was 15. After school, I’d go to this old people diner in Camarillo, drink coffee, and write…for hours on end.

Giving up coffee is like turning your back on an old friend. Even though you know that friend might be bad for you, it still hurts. My symptoms have indeed subsided over the last few days, but I’m not ready to point the finger at coffee. I haven’t eaten much since Tuesday due to the incapacitating migraine that came with going cold turkey on just about everything I love to eat and drink. AJB continues to remind me that it’s only temporary. In 12 days I’ll have coffee again. It’s at the scary moment, I’ll determine if coffee has indeed been my friend or foe. I’m actually a little nervous to find out. Truth is, I’ve been putting off giving up coffee all this time. I suppose my kidneys deserve a rest and I have to stay positive. Whatever happens happens. Let the coffee grounds fall where they may.

About Cure Zone: I love the concept and I love that thousands of people are coming together to heal themselves. What I hate about it is that it is THE most confusing website I’ve ever been to. It is so bogged down with information, none of it is really organized or cataloged very well, it’s just this big mess of links and info. It drives me crazy and it actually takes a while to find what you’re looking for…even when you use their search function. Their forums use the old fashioned thread style – which I hate. When you click on a topic, it takes you to the first post, but in order to see the follow ups, you have a click a link that opens a new window. Every time. Furthermore, there are literally THOUSANDS of topics to filter through – which makes finding the information you need, a chore. What’s worse is the forum doesn’t have it’s own search function, it uses Google Search which is far too broad and not very intuitive. Anyway, it’s a crappy website with lots of good information…when you can find it.

That said, AJB and I started a parasite cleanse this on Friday as part of an entire list of various cleanses that need to be done in a certain order. I thought, alright, what the hell? Can’t hurt. It’s just herbs. I wasn’t sure I believed in creepy, Tales from the Crypt worms living in your gut until this morning. Without going into too much graphic bathroom detail, I believe worms live in my gut. They do and I’ve seen them. First of all, it’s horrifying and I’m trying not to think about it. AJB also experienced an anomaly he couldn’t explain. OK, so I’m sold. I’ve got worms. AJB has worms. I think everyone does. We all must. It’s not the sweetest thing to think about, but the fact that I’ve seen it with my own eyes proves that I’m onto something.

The parasite cleanse is rather simple. You start with 3 herbs (black walnut, wormwood, and *cloves). You take them at 3 different intervals during the day and that’s it. Voila! Worm expulsion! We’re on an 18 day treatment, which should eradicate most of the worms living in our bodies.

What’s the point? Parasites can cause all kinds of uncomfortable problems like anemia, asthma, diarrhea, digestive disorders, fatigue, low immune system, nervousness, and skin rash. You see my point? I believe that eczema is a outer reaction to an internal problem. Solve the inner problem and the outer problem goes along with it. Regular doctors can’t help me. I’ve tried. All they can do it treat the symptoms, not the causes. My sister likes to say that we human beings don’t come with operation manuals on how to fix ourselves, but if we take the time to figure it out, it’s simple. I’m paraphrasing, but something like that. The American diet is a death sentence. It’s filled with so much bad crap, it’s no wonder so many people are sick. Think about it, if we all ate healthy, took care of ourselves, and did a cleanse once a year, how many life threatening illnesses simply would not exist? Did the ancient people of the world have restless leg syndrome or cancer? Did they have insomnia or IBS? If so, how did they treat themselves?

I could get into a gigantic rant about medical doctors, the medical industry, and why it’s a good idea to heal yourself, but I haven’t got that kind of time. I think most people, deep down, realize it’s right. I’m not here to preach, either. I’m just doing it because I believe it’s best for me and I’ve seen results.

*Makes you burp clove smell – which is actually kind of nice and reminds me of my old clubbing days at Helter Skelter.

Either way, if it is indeed Pityriasis Rosea, it should be gone very soon. It usually runs its course in about three months and I’m entering month three. Doctor further says that once you get it, that’s it – it never comes back; but I also read on the net that it could come back. Who’s right? The all knowing Internets or a learned Doctor? I guess only time will tell. And in two weeks, if it’s not better, the doctor will do a biopsy and send me to a dermatologist. Biopsy for what? Cancer? Pretty scary notion. Let’s hope it’s this Pityriasis Rosea and be done with it. I’m on two forms of cortisone and it seems to be helping. I was hoping to conquer this with the aid of Mother Nature, but alas, I’m frustrated and ready to try anything. Mother Nature, like modern medicine is mostly a series of trial and error. Mother Nature also takes longer if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. I never would have guess I had Pityriasis Rosea or anything similar. This whole time I was thinking eczema and nothing else.

Over the weekend, I was really depressed and slept a lot. It was like the world came crashing down. I hid underneath my blankets and stayed there. On Sunday, I awoke with one of the worst migraines I’ve had in a long time. I’m not sure I feel better this morning, but I’m glad to be up and about. My house has suffered the mess that comes with not being able to clean it in two days. Luckily, my sweet boyfriend, who has been offering moral support and food, also washed the dishes. I really am lucky to have him.

I’ve been missing my dad more and more lately. The facade that he’s alive in another city is lifting and it’s really starting to hit me harder than ever. I could pretend I just hadn’t talked to him in a while, but that he could call at any time. That’s all gone. I was feeling it before, but now I’m really feeling it. I realize that I’m sinking, have sunk.

On Friday, I sat with the doctor, who is this nice old man, for an hour. We talked about my dad and he told me about how he’d lost his dad when he was my age. One thing he said that really struck me was that when someone dies, we’re all alone in it. It’s just us and the loss. Not one other person is grieving the way I am and this sense of loneliness I’ve been feeling is justified. When I feel that no one understands what I’m going through, I’m right. No one can. And I have felt lonely. I thought I was going crazy. I have my entire family at my disposal, but I still feel alone. My boyfriend has been totally supportive, but I’ve felt alone. For once in my life, I am faced with a situation I can’t explain and I can’t rationalize away. I can’t fix it. My Grandmother, who passed away recently, once said “Things will get better…and if it doesn’t, we’ll get used to it” – This is the wisdom of age; something only someone who had lost all her siblings before her, could understand and truly mean. People die. I’ll die. It’s the natural way of things. Like it or not, that’s the way it goes. It doesn’t stop me from missing my dad.

Life is good. Good things are happening. I’m not enjoying them because I’m sick with grief. I can only hope that with time, I’ll feel better. Having some rare skin condition doesn’t help. I miss my dad’s sympathy. He always knew how to validate me and make me feel better.

All in all, there are still good days and bad days, but getting a good night’s sleep definitely helps.

First up, the eczema on my forehead is almost gone! Holy cow! My prodigal forehead is returned! I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I’d say “ecstatic” is a good word, but I’m a little too tired for that much effort. Various other parts of my body are also improving. Don’t ask me what I’m doing, cause I don’t know. Could be all the weeks of vitamins have finally built up or the water or the lotions or the…wait…it rubs the lotion on it’s skin or the crocheting or I’ve finally calmed down enough. Whatever. It’s going away and I’m jazzed as all get out.

Secondly, I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but my boyfriend and I are looking at a house. No, we’ve bid on a house. Sure it’s his money, but it’s going to be our house.  My boyfriend makes about a gagillian more than I do, so…yeah, that’s how it’s working out. I’ll contribute and stuff…but anyway, the bid is on. I’ll have more as things progress. Let me just tell you, this house is way better than your house and way better than your mom’s house. All I can say is that my dad would be pleased as punch. He’d be so happy for me and that makes me happy.

As I was driving home tonight, the wheel cover on someone’s jeep read “Life is Good”. As I passed it on the freeway I thought “Yeah, it kind of does”.  Perhaps the joy of possibly finding a house is what’s making the eczema go away. Who knows?

Anyway, it’s all good.  Happy, but still sad. Missing my dad, I almost started crying on the drive home. I stopped myself and I don’t know why I’m sucking it up. Perhaps I don’t want to rain tears on my parade. I should go see my dad’s plot tomorrow and tell him the good news.

In the last 10 years or so, I’ve always had these itchy little pustules on my fingers. They were unnoticeable and they came and went like the wind. I paid them no mind. Through research, I’ve discovered they have always been eczema. My mother gets them too. Therefore, genetically inclined to this condition, always sort of having it, and due to the stress of loosing my dad, I’ve become eczema girl. It’s gross and embarrassing and uncomfortable. Why then would I write about it? Partly, writing eases my troubled mind and I’d also like to act as a reference point for others who suffer as I do. I’m sharing my journey because I think it’s going to help me and if it helps others? Bonus. I know I’m not alone in this.

I’ve also created a sub-category called “Skin Conditions” for easy navigation. You don’t have read about my boring life if you don’t want to. Just skip to the fascinating skin ailments.

Since I started all of this, I haven’t gotten better. In fact, it appears I’ve gotten worse. I read somewhere that scratching makes it spread. This may be why my back and forehead are freaking out. It was also super windy the other night — which dried my skin out. Scratching is almost impossible to stop. I itch like a mother-fucker. Sometimes I just have to scratch or at least give it a good rub. I know it’s bad, but it’s really hard not to.

Tonight I’m trying wet wrap therapy on my forehead. The basic idea is that you soak the skin in warm water and bath oil, rub lotion on the affected skin, and then wrap in a wet bandage. Seeing as I don’t have a bath tub or bandages, here’s what I did:

1. Rubbed coconut oil on my skin
2. Filled bowl with hot water, covered my head, and steamed my face for 5 minutes
3. Applied coconut oil on my skin
4. Wrapped affected area with old cotton t-shirt that had been soaked in warm water.
5. Covered all of that with dry wrap of old cotton t-shirt to seal in the goodness.

I’m leaving it on for an hour to study the effects. **I’ll let you know how it goes.

As eczema is exacerbated by stress, in an effort to calm myself down, I’ve picked up crocheting again. It’s mindless, calming, work and it seems to be helping my overall state of mind. I’m also trying not to focus on the negative aspects of my father’s death. I miss him desperately, but I can’t allow myself to shut down. I can feel the cold hands of apathy and depression reaching for me. I know my dad wouldn’t want me to suffer like this. I know he’d tell me to feel what I’m feeling, but don’t let it ruin my life. He’d be right. I also know he’d be worried about me. I’m worried about me. God, I miss my dad.

In the end, eczema is affecting my self esteem, my mood, and my social life. I’m hesitant to go out in public with flared up forehead. Like a shining beacon in the dark of night…there she is! Red crusty forehead! I see people looking at it and I want to drop back in shame and keep to the shadows. Whether they’re looking at it or not. My boyfriend keeps telling me I look fine. He’s great like that. I know he’s lying, but the lying helps. Keep telling me that, baby.

* I don’t actually use Vaseline since it’s made with petroleum which supports all kinds of bad things. It’s a small gesture move even though I drive a car and inevitably support the bad things anyway. I use Organic Un-Petroleum Jelly.

** I removed the wet wrap after an hour. The skin itself seemed smooth and baby soft, albeit still bright pink. My skin didn’t itch at all during the wrap. Afterwards, I applied colloidal oatmeal skin lotion (organic) and my skin started to burn. That’s bad, right? Oatmeal lotion is supposed to be good for eczema and the only thing I imagine could upset my skin is alcohol (which resides in ALL lotions, by the way). Maybe I’m allergic to one of the ingredients? The only other thing I can think of is that simply touching my already sensitive skin irritated it. Overall, I like the wet wrap idea even if it isn’t practical for daytime use. I’m thinking it’s something I can do at bedtime. My forehead is warm to the touch. I might have to try an alternative to oatmeal lotion though. I need more bandages and don’t have enough old t-shirts I can sacrifice to the cause. I read Noxema is good for soothing eczema. I need to try that.

As a footnote, eventually the burning subsided. Once it did, I applied Vaseline which minimized the itching and generally feels good.