I walked up to the guy unloading new bins:

Me: Hi! Are those for us?
Trashcan Man: You live at 5121?
Me: Oh, you mean 2151? No, we’re right here (pointing to our house) Oh good, cause we don’t need new ones…we have plenty.
Trashcan Man: Yours will probably come Monday or something like that. That’s probably when they bring them.
Me: Oh, we don’t need new ones…we have plenty.
Trashcan Man: They probably gonna bring them Monday.

I thanked him for his time and sat back on the porch as it suddenly occurred to me that he wasn’t with our trash company. About a minute later…

Trashcan Man: Hey! (shouting from the curb)
Me: Yeah?
Trashcan Man: I got two extras if you want.
Me: What?
Trashcan Man: I got two more if you want them.
Me: Oh, no thanks.
Trashcan Man: Huh?
Me: No thanks (I was even using the international “no” hand gesture)
Trashcan Man: Huh?
Me: NO THANK YOU!
Trashcan Man: Huh?
Me: No!
Trashcan Man: Ah, OK. Why?
Me: We have plenty.

Trashcan Man waved his hand dismissively and got into his truck and left. It was also at this point I realized he might be partially deaf and me shouting from the porch was probably inconsiderate. I felt like one of those old ladies who shouts at everyone for no reason…WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE TRASHCANS! WE DON’T WANT THEM! <—read that in an old lady voice.

*sigh* Don’t you just love miscommunication? I wonder if we’ll get new trashcans from them on Monday.

I am by no means a theater critic. I do, in fact, hate a lot of theater. Since meeting my husband 5 years ago, he has dragged me (often kicking and screaming) to numerous theatrical productions of various types. These types range in quality from local theater to big productions starring famous people. Bless his heart, he does try to take me to shows he thinks I might enjoy; anything dark or weird.

Over time, my aversion to theater has lessened to the point where I am less inclined to kick and scream, but rather let out a few moans of “I guess so” when he asks if I’d like to see something. This has also geared me towards keeping a weather eye out for shows we can see together; as it’s something he thoroughly enjoys doing. It makes him happy and I enjoy seeing him happy. I’ve also seen enough shows now to have a firm grasp of what the good ones look like.

Vanity Fair Cast Photo

On our way back home from Paris, we stopped over in Chicago’s O’Hare airport. As we staggered through the terminal, I spotted a poster for the pre-Broadway production of The Addams Family Musical starring Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth. I was a little more than excited. When we came home, we bought tickets. They were expensive.

A week later, we were back in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Tickets in hand, we ventured to the big city to see a show that couldn’t possibly disappoint. I mean, we’re talking Nathan Lane, Bebe Neuwirth, and the frickin’ Addams Family. How could we lose? OK, so it’s a musical, but Nathan Lane, Bebe Neuwirth, and the frickin’ Addams Family! As usual, I didn’t set out with the highest of hopes. We’d already heard that the show wasn’t very good, but that Nathan Lane brought it to the table and served it up right. I was looking forward to seeing Lane and Neuwirth do their thing. I mean, these are top quality actors we’re talking about!

To be fair, let’s start with what the show got right. The costumes for the Addams ancestors were gorgeous and rather well done.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way….

The Addams Family Musical was probably one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen. Nathan Lane was out sick and his stand-by, Merwin Foard, took his place. The sheer magnitude of dissatisfaction in this misfortune hovered over the audience like a thick fog. It was, needless to say, a severe let down and the audience never fully recovered.

The curtain opened to a whimsical tune about Wednesday Addams no longer being a little kid anymore and taking the fictional Addams oath to honor the family’s macabre way of life. Instantly, you could tell the girl playing Wednesday was going to get on your nerves (AJB’s 13 year old daughter hated her). Not only was she unable to evoke the spirit of Wednesday, she was, sadly, a stupid little brat which conjured thoughts of ripping one’s ears off.

The creators of this show thought it would be awesome to take our beloved Addams’ into a new direction. Wednesday was now 18, she was in love, rebelling against the strangeness of her family, and filled to the brim with teenage angst. While the creators attempted to keep some semblance of Wednesday in tact, despite her new found mutinous behavior, she wasn’t anything even remotely resembling the little girl clutching a decapitated doll we know and love. This girl they called “Wednesday” had somehow met a boy (a really normal dude) and fell in love. They made out all the time.

Despite claims in the Playbill that the creators would disinherit the TV show and films, the major plot of the story was “normal family meets Addams’ and freaks out”. So much for new ideas. Normal boy’s parents meet the family. All hell’s gonna break loose now! The stereotypical Ohio business man and his quirky, poetry-spouting wife come over for dinner. What could go wrong? Wednesday begs her not-normal family to act normal for one night. There was a song about it.

During the course of the evening, Morticia has a mid-life crisis, Pugsley accidentally poisons the normal mother (of which he is later apologetic), Grandmama flashes her crotch and discusses her sex-life, the family plays a made-up game called “Full Disclosure” in which the “adults” of the family drink wine and tell the truth. Not sure why. Wednesday throws numerous tantrums, Gomez whines about not understanding anyone, and Ohio Dad fucks a giant squid; after which I inadvertently spoke out, “what the hell?” Fester fades in and out of being a weirdo-pervert to a wise narrator who falls in love with the moon – eventually copulating with it. The subject of “sex” was a major topic – because, you know, Morticia and Gomez just bang all the time – it eventually became uncomfortable and creepy, but not in a good way.

Cousin “Itt” makes a brief appearance and so does Thing. Lurch is ever present, but because he doesn’t speak, he’s the least of our worries…that is, until his big number.

None of the above is actually half of the show’s overall problems. Problem was, the creators of the show just don’t get it. They have absolutely NO idea who the Addams Family are, what they’re about, or why we love them. Morticia would never, in a million years, have a mid-life crisis. Ten years in the future or not, she would not lament the appearance of crow’s feet. She would, in fact, rejoice that they were called “crow’s feet” and that like a fine wine, she only gets better with age. Gomez would continue his usual half-crazed antics, be cool, fence, crash trains, and smoke cigars. Pugsley and Wednesday would grow up, but continue to celebrate who they were. Grandmama would always be Grandmama and Lurch would always be Lurch. There is, you see, a great deal of pride in being an Addams. While I suppose it’s OK for characters to grow or change, they shouldn’t change into an entirely new family no one cares about. Because the TV show is an integral part of who the family is, you almost certainly can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.

They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re altogether ooky, The Addam’s Family.

At their core, they are what a family should be. They’re not perfect and sometimes they embarrass you, but they love you for who you are…even if you’re dead, demented, or covered in hair. They are, above all, about tolerance, tradition, and love. The people who produced this musical totally missed the mark. They managed to turn the undying affection of Morticia and Gomez into a sleezy sex-fest. Yes, we know they bone all the time, but their implied love-making and copious amounts of arm kissing was always far more romantic. We don’t need it spelled out.

Aside from the horrifying diversion from the truest sense of the family, it was painfully obvious that the actors were aware of what they’d gotten themselves into. The missing Nathan Lane, replaced with the poor man’s version of “Raul Julia meets Robert Goulet” wasn’t able to pull off jokes Lane could have done in his sleep. Bebe Neuwirth, whom you’d assume would make the best Morticia ever, ended up looking like someone’s mom dressed as Morticia for Halloween – in one of those “Gothic Enchantress” costumes you see at Target. Frankly, Bebe just doesn’t have the cleavage to pull off the lowest of the low-cut Morticia costumes. And sadly, her big number “Second Banana” fell absolutely flat as it continued the theme of mid-life crisis comparing herself to an old plum. Morticia, insecure? Never. Ever.

Should I even talk about the cruddy set design? Talk about cheap. Just about everything looked borrowed from another show and none of it conveyed the grandeur of the Addams residence in all it’s Second Empire, deliciously dilapidated decor. Cobwebs? Not one. I also don’t have space/time to discuss the ugly choreography and the sad use of major-key songs versus minor (more spookier) songs.

The Addams Family Musical was disappointing on every level. We tried to think: Even if Nathan Lane had showed up, would it have made a difference? It might have…a bit. Nathan Lane is pretty awesome, but I’m not sure even the great Nathan Lane could carry a dead weight like this. Bebe couldn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if this show ends up having one of the shortest runs on Broadway ever. They might even set a new record. Thing is, that’s sad. This show had the potential to be something truly amazing.

If it tells you anything, AJB’s kid’s have been making fun of “Second Banana” for days. If this wildebeest of a sham crosses your path, turn around and walk the other way. You’re better off renting the goofy Addams Family Reunion movie with Tim Curry and Darryl Hannah. That’s not saying much.

I think the image speaks for itself.

From:JOSEPH JONATHAN
Spain, Europe.
Reply to: sfjonathan7@gmail.com
Dear Sir,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from an international brochure because I do not know anybody I will contact. I prayed over it and believed that you will be a reputable and trust worthy person that I can trust and do business with, I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business assistance. I am Joseph Jonathan the only son of late Mr. and Mrs. Richard Mabel Jonathan of blessed memory.
My father until his untimely death was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in West Africa; my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip to our cocoa plantation in Abidjan a neighboring country from my country West Africa. My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on 16th November, 2005 in a private hospital in Accra Ghana. He secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Five Million, Nine Hundred Thousand United State Dollars USD ($5,900, 000.00) he deposited with a private security firm in Spain, which he used my name his only son as the next of Kin in depositing of the money with the private security firm in Spain. The security firm is not aware that the box contains money and my father warned me to keep this as a top secret till I get a reliable foreigner that will assist me get the box out as his foreign partner. He also expla
Please, I am sincerely seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) to assist me claim the box containing the money from the security company as my late father’s foreign partner. (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund. (3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country because I cannot go back to my country till I am a full grown man.
Moreover, sir I will like you to tell me what you will take from the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful release and transfer of this fund into your bank account in your country. Please you should indicate your interest towards assisting me by writing me an email at : sfjonathan7@gmail.com ,as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within seven days (7) days you signify interest to assist me. Please keep this proposal confidential.
Thanks and God bless.
Best regards,
Joseph Jonathan

What I love about these OBVIOUS scams is that they continue to become more and more colorful as the years progress. A wealthy cocoa farmer from Africa who was ultimately poisoned by a business partner. Joseph, his only son and only heir, was bequeathed Five Million, Nine Hundred Thousand United State Dollars, but for some reason, can’t take it out of the bank and needs my help.

What’s funny is that if you don’t have any sense about you, you’d easily fall for something like this not realizing that Abidjan is a city and is actually located in the country of Côte d’Ivoire, in Western Africa. Furthermore, while Accra is in Ghana and a neighboring country to Côte d’Ivoire, I don’t think “West Africa” is actually a country. It’s like North America isn’t a country; it’s several countries. West Africa is comprised of 16 smaller countries.

I like how detailed these scams are providing dates, places, real looking email addresses, and a pretty dramatic sob story: Mother dies when he’s little, Dad was poisoned, and now he can’t get his inheritance. You think, I’m listed in an international brochure? Wow! How’d that happen? Pretty vague and while I’d love to believe that I’m listed in some special brochure that reaches the eyes of wealthy Africans, there’s no way in hell. Seriously, who would believe this? Do people believe this? Are there really people out there who fall for this crap? There must be or else these scams wouldn’t continue to exist. All you have to do is ask yourself one question: Why wouldn’t a rich cocoa farmer have a will? If he really wanted his son to have the money, he’d of made a will or listed the boy as a joint account holder at the bank.

Anyway, it’s not real, so there’s no use speculating a will. But I mean, seriously…do people fall for this? Yes, because there’s a sucker born every minute. The major tip off is, first of all, why would a wealthy person half way across the world be contacting YOU? If the constant misspellings and inaccurate geography aren’t a tip off, you probably have more problems than recognizing inaccuracies in a random email. And secondly, where the fuck have you been the last 10 years? These scams have been going around as long as I’ve been on the interwebs – about 11 years now. Do the people who fall for this live in caves with no running water, electricity, or interwebs? You and I both know that if I were to, hypothetically, contact this Joseph person, there would indeed be some form of “send me money so I can send you money” thing going on. I wouldn’t send someone 5 dollars to send me 10 let alone several thousand dollars. Oh, and come on…whose last name is “Jonathan”? Even if someone contacted me with my long dead Mexican grandfather’s name, I’d have to assume it was a scam. He has plenty of heirs in Mexico that would come before me.

Good grief. I digress. This letter was one of the better ones I’d received in a long time and I especially like the poisoning angle. I weep for the people that continue to fall for these things, however. How sad. How sad indeed.

Lately, we see a lot of celebrity videos that seem very DIY with a “just for the heck of it” vibe. Strange how celebrities have moved from the confines of the TV and cinema screen to the world wide webs. There is this sense of “they’re just like the rest of us” except richer and better looking and somehow, a little more accessible. Previously, celebs had this barrier around them and now, they’re making their own videos on Funny or Die, they’re on Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook. You can email them and occasionally they’ll email you back. It’s weird. One must remember that they’re not like the rest of us, they are different, and even though they poop, shop, drink lattes, and get their hearts broken, no matter what, they exist somewhere in the ether and not down here with you and me.

When you see videos like this…you have to wonder, did everyone get paid to do that or did they just have some free time to kill?

Link found at http://www.wilwheaton.typepad.com/

My baby brother sent pictures of his newborn son today. Cute kid. I can’t help but notice he looks more like his mother.

These pictures were taken by my brother’s girlfriend’s mom, who apparently doesn’t know how to take pictures. Ah, whatever. Most babies are cute anyway and even though I can’t be there (and despite this recent sendage of images) I still feel like it’s happening to someone I don’t know. And only two pictures? Wow. If it were my kid, I’d have about a billion images just from the first day. Apparently more are on the way. We’ll see. And yeah, that’s what you’ve want after you’ve spent x-amount of hours being pushed through a slimy hole, getting all worked up about it, having a quick/painful snip of your gentleman’s equipment…what you really want is a BRIGHT flash in your face.

Le sigh. I love that baby. I have not one bad feeling about that baby, even if it doesn’t look like my family or my brother. I’m hoping that once he gets a little older, he’ll look more like my handsome brother, but it will probably never know it’s half Mexican. I’m interested to see how this little life progresses and grows. I cross my fingers in hoping that his parents don’t fuck him up and that he has all the chances he’ll need to succeed in life; despite his geographic location. If I could do it, so can he. Good luck Michael. You’re gonna need it. And hopefully, when you’re a little older, you can visit your cool Aunt Kristen in California and I can show you a wonderful world beyond Elkhorn, Nebraska. Just remember, when life is tough and you feel like you can’t stand it anymore, give me a call and I’ll send you a plane ticket. You’ll always have a place to runaway to.

Thanks to @tjcrowley for this which has made my day (or at least a small portion of it):

As you can see, it’s Obama in LOLspeak. Get it? No? Go here. It’s Funny. I would like to has one. Find and buy here.

I envision an Elle Woods type campaign complete with bends and snaps. I also don’t get the part that says McCain is old enough to remember drinking beer from a bucket. Hopefully, that means I’m too young to remember any such thing.

www.tshirthell.com

Here’s one of the best ones:

You can see the rest here: http://www.colbertnation.com/?cat=24