Monthly Archives: March 2010

The Best Birthday Ever (I Have the Best Husband in the World)

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35 will go down in history as the best birthday ever! In the weeks leading up to the big day, I was feeling blue and it was slowly dawning on me that I was actually 35 and no longer 25; that somehow time had occurred and I was officially in my middle thirties. I wasn’t sure I liked that. You’re as old as you feel, or so they say. After a rather nasty fall down the stairs – which took me an entire month to recuperate from – I wasn’t so sure I was feeling all that young.

I woke up and the sweetest husband in the world brought me breakfast in bed, even through we’re totally out of food prior to a full refrigerator cleanse for repair. He then brought me presents! He got me a negative scanner and a sound machine. Yay. He loves me. I was feeling pretty good at this point. I figured I’d spend the day kicking back, trying to get rid of a headache I’d had since the day before. I went down-stairs for coffee and on the way back to my office, happened to glance into the dining room and there it was: A 1960′s British-import 3-wheeled bicycle – although 3 wheels officially makes it a tricycle. I’d seen it on Craigslist and was pining for it. I’d been searching for one for a long time and had determined that even though I could afford it, I should probably spend what little money I have on photo equipment. I’d emailed the owner and told him I’d be coming for it, but was sad I had to change my mind. Sneaky person he is, AJB emailed the owner, told him not to sell it to me and that he was getting it for me as a surprise. A lo, there it was in my own dining room with a big bow on it.

Now, I think the last time I was this happy with a present had to be the last time I got a bike – when I was 5 years old, although since then I’ve gotten some great presents. My five year old bike, that beautiful banana seat number with flowers and tassels – the one my Dad sold without my permission at a yard sale when I was 11. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that my husband had done that, what an amazing and clever thing! I rode my new baby up and down the block a few times. She’s over 45 years old, but with some TLC she’ll be good as new. Structurally, she’s sound.

Later that afternoon, AJB, JCS, and I had lunch at a darling new cafe called “Novel Cafe” on Colorado Blvd. – they serve fresh, organic food and were playing 80′s alternative music. I will be back. Afterward, we rounded the corner and dropped my trike at Pasadena Cyclery for some new tires and breaks. I’ll clean her up this weekend and take some photos to share. She’ll eventually need a paint job, but for now, she’s wonderful and I love her so very much.

The day would only get better from there. AJB had already told me we were dining at one of my favorite places in Los Angeles, the legendary Magic Castle. What he didn’t tell me was that 3 of my favorite people would also be there! Surprise! Andy, Jason, and Dave. Yay! We ate, we drank, we talked, we laughed, we sang. I drank wine like it was going out of fashion and got a bit tipsy. Good tipsy, you know the kind where you love everyone? I hope I wasn’t obnoxious, but AJB assures me I wasn’t too bad. When we left the Magic Castle, I exclaimed that I wanted to go dancing so AJB drove us to Perversion, although in my drunken haze, I wasn’t quite sure where we’d ended up.

There was just about an hour or so left in the evening, but I danced like it was going out of fashion. Now, back in the day, my friends and I used to go to Perversion every week. The place would be packed. Sadly, the club is a shell of it’s former self. Hardly anyone was there and the music was fairly terrible, even though I got the DJ to play Bauhaus and Siouxsie for me. The people that were there all looked pretty tired. While I realize the glory days of the Goth scene are far behind me now, it’s sad to see what it’s become. No one dresses up and the dancing has become an even mopier version of the beautiful moves we used to do in my day. Kids just sort of slowly flail around, as if they’re about to pass out – but not in a cool way. I didn’t let it get me down. I had a great time dancing by myself, dancing with my husband. I was happy to know that I wasn’t the oldest person there. I wonder if I’d be interested in going back. I mean, what I always loved about the clubs wasn’t the people anyway, it was always about the dancing and the music. I do miss it. I suppose I shouldn’t care how old I am. When I was 21, I used to look at the folks in their 30′s and think how sad it was that they were still clubbing at their age. I suppose now that the shoe is on the other foot, I understand why they were there.

I passed out cold on the ride home. AJB got me into bed and I awoke the next morning with not the worst hangover ever, but didn’t feel great. I’m also a bit sore from dancing so hard. Yikes. I guess I’m out of practice.

Every happy moment on my 35th birthday was due to my lovely and wonderful husband for making it happen. I couldn’t have asked for a better celebration, for better gifts, or better friends. It was sublime. It’s one for the record!

Here we go again

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When I was little I used to get excited when my birthday month rolled around for several reasons. One: Its my birthday coming up soon! Two: March is always a beautiful month and I love the early days of Spring so very much.

When my Dad died, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was, and still is, the worst day of my life. This March 4th, instead of gloomily looking at old photos, I was laid up after a rather nasty fall down the stairs. A fall that produced no broken bones, but various heinous bruises that would make you shirk. They make me shirk. I couldn’t walk around for nearly a week, had to stay in bed, and watched a lot of movies. I guess I was too tired to reminisce.

March 4th comes and goes as it has for a million years. It’s only been the last 3 that I’ve had a hard time recovering and getting into “birthday/Spring is here” mode. I find that I wake up in the mornings feeling down and unmotivated. This year’s set-back, falling down the stairs, has added to a general malaise that seems to get harder and harder to shake. Or maybe it’s because I’m in the belly of the beast and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This year, in particular, I will be 35; which means I’ll be 40 in 5 years. A recent doctor’s appointment added even more brain teasing fun. She said, without pushing, that if I wanted to have a baby, I need to do it now. I grumbled and she replied that while it’s not impossible to get pregnant in your late 30′s, it is harder. I can imagine. The difficulty of babies in general, has been why I’ve avoided it so long. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to create a kick-ass human being who looks like me and AJB, it’s that it’s going to be really, really hard. It also means giving myself up for someone else.

I’ve met people who say that it’s not totally true that you have to give yourself up for your kids; that you can still concentrate on your work and yourself, you just have to find a new balance. My worry is, I won’t be able to do both; I’ll end up spending all my time on kids, forgo my career, become fat, and end up bitter.

Do I feel like something is missing from my life? Yes. It has more to do with my career and art than kids. I feel like I should be doing more, have done more. I feel bad about not really knowing if I want kids because I love kids. I love my nephew, my little cousins and every baby I see in the market. The missing pieces of my life stem from not really doing what I set out to do or not being able to figure things out the way other people do. It stems from the month of March, the big 3-5, my Dad’s death, and realizing I should have had kids when I was 25. Except, I just wasn’t ready. At 25 I was floundering even worse than I am now. No car, no career, a stupid boyfriend I’d never want to breed with, I was living in a junky apartment with 3 other people…Then again, had I just bit the bullet back then, I’d have a ten year old who could help me carry equipment on shoots. Fuck. Of course, my life would be very different now. I might never have succumbed to pressure and entered cosmetology school which means I never would have met AJB.

As usual, I’ll bounce back. I’ll pick myself up and carry on. All those other things? They won’t go away, but eventually they’ll be behind me. Having a baby means taking a leap of faith that everything will be fine and even if it’s not, I’ll deal with it. I hate not knowing. I want to make sure I’m getting the most out of life. You know, more bang for my buck. Am I? Not this week.