AJB has 3 lovely children. Each one of them is unique, intelligent, kind, considerate, generous, loving, and a billion other wonderful adjectives. Over the 5 years I’ve been a part of their lives, I’ve realized that even the best of children are still that…children. I’ve also come to realize that when your mother tells you “you’ll understand when you have your own kids” she is not only right, she is foreseeing the future. My mother is overjoyed that I have finally seen this truth.

AJB’s kids visit with us every Wednesday and every other weekend. Sometimes it seems like too much, other times not nearly enough. I’ve only ever had cats, so in the beginning it was a difficult transition. I went through a bit of shell shock and was frustrated because I teetered on the border of wanting to be their friend, but also not wanting to allow them full reign over the house. You see, it’s important they like me and not see me as some kind of wicked step-mother or psycho harpy stealing their father from them. For kids, it’s confusing enough when your parents don’t live together and you’re split between two homes. Add another woman into the mix? Kids often wonder how they should partition their affections. If they hate the new woman, it’s easy. If they like her, it’s difficult because they feel loyalty to their mother.

I have the unique perspective of seeing what it’s like to be a mom without actually being a mom. The best part is that all I really have to do is be their friend. And that’s pretty cool. The problem with most moms is that you can’t fully be your child’s friend – not when you also have to be the disciplinarian, the maid, the cook, the counselor, and the chauffeur. More times than not you’re the person nagging them to pick up their socks 20 times a day, cleaning the dishes, reminding them to do their homework, helping them with their homework, and not doing any of the things you want to do. While you’re helping your children become better people, you lose sight of the person you used to be. All of this happens so slowly, it’s the day they leave for college that you find yourself scared, confused, and not sure what to do with yourself or how to communicate with people your own age. 20 years later you find yourself asking “OK, what now?”

Losing yourself in your children is a concept that scares the crap out of me. I like who I am and I’ve spent many years trying to figure that out. As a woman, I am naturally inclined to motherhood and I like the idea of my own children (or child). On the one hand, I want to create kick-ass human beings and there are so many good things about kids. On the other hand, I don’t want to forget who I am or spend the next 20 years picking up dirty socks that aren’t mine. I also want to travel, work on my career, discover things, and zone out to video games everyone once and a while. I also like the idea that if, if I ever wanted to, I could just pick up and leave. I might not, but the option is there.

There are people who say that you can retain yourself and still have children. I wonder. I think about all the moms I know and I find that in order to “stay cool” you must (at least somewhat) ignore your children to concentrate on your own life. And then there’s those moms that give it all to their kids and end up resentful and bitter.

I think one of the biggest mistakes moms make is allowing their families to believe that the house cleans itself over night. When I stay up late cleaning, I think, they’re going to wake up and not even notice the house is clean. It’s always this way. They leave, come back on the weekends and the house is magically clean. So who’s fault is it that kids don’t pick up after themselves? Mine. Their parents. The kids would do it if we asked, we just forget to ask. Next thing you know it’s 2am and the house looks like a tornado blew through it.

Truth is, moms really have no one to blame but themselves. Moms are, innately, the schedule keepers and the ones who keep a house running. Dads do alright, but if given the opportunity, they will happily let someone else do it – because it’s not fun. Therefore, in order to have a harmonious home where everyone chips in, moms have to make it happen. It’s a good deal of work to maintain that level of machine-like operation in a home. Not all moms are up to the challenge. Rather than pull everyone away from their homework, TV watching, internet surfing, or phone talking – which is a hassle – sometimes it’s just easier to do it themselves. Resentment follows.

Answers? No answers. Just comments.