Monthly Archives: December 2008

2008 in Review

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As the end of the year draws near, I find myself saying, “wow, this year went fast!” And I guess it did. They always do. When I was a kid, a year was like, forever and a half. Wait a whole year till Christmas?? A year until my next birthday?? A three month Summer vacation was an eternity and you wonder if you’ll recognize your friends on the first day of class.

I often think about the differences in the passing of time. It goes slow when we’re kids and fast when we’re adults. Is it simply about having a basis of reference? An hour is only 60 small minutes and each one of those is 60 small seconds. I guess knowing how long it takes to do something, takes the fun out of it. When you’re a kid, you have no concept of time beyond being home before sunset. You also don’t care about time. You don’t wear a watch until you get your first one in 10th grade and even then, you often forget to wind it. When the battery dies, you stop wearing it. Or at least, I did. I still have the watch my Dad gave me in 10th grade.

This year hasn’t passed any faster than all those that came before it. So why does it feel that way? Once Christmas is over it’s on to New Year’s Eve and the whole thing starts all over again. Except this time, you’re a year older and perhaps a little wiser.

2008 was the year I started my freelancing career. In January I was liberated from Hot Topic the same day my Grandpa Ernie died.

In February we had a lunar eclipse and I took a really great photo of it. We also fired our gardeners and I took on the yard. I’ve regretted it ever since. Poloroid announced they were ceasing production of their iconic instant film.

In March, I turned 33. I didn’t talk about my birthday and can’t remember what I did. A full year passed since my Dad died. March was hard. I did an amazing photo session with an old boyfriend. I got into an accident on the 5-FWY in which my car was damaged and the squirrel died. My baby brother announced that his (hated) girlfriend was pregnant – this would cause a devastating family rift that is still unresolved.

In April, I went to Japan. A life’s dream come to fruition. April was a good month. I also learned why you shouldn’t get wasted on a long flight home.

In May, a friend I’ve known since first grade got married. I went to the wedding by myself. Gas prices were the highest in my lifetime.

In June, Wall-E came out. It remains one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever seen. I saw Peter Murphy at the House of Blues. The Apricots on our tree came in. I had this wild idea of making jam, but the fruit went bad very quickly and I missed the boat.

In July, AJB and I went to Chicago to see his mom. The cicada were in full force. That month, we attended Comic-Con in San Diego and even though I wrote about it, I never published the post. I just did. I embraced Twitter and got into more trouble with the law – expired tags and mysteriously missing insurance information.

In August, we had what might have been an attempted break-in or maybe ghosts. My sister visited for a weekend. I made a YouTube video to take part in an online piano teaching experiment. I still haven’t started because the book is expensive.

By September, the heat was getting to me. I didn’t write much and didn’t get a whole lot done over Summer in general. I did some photo shoots here and there. I started up with a cool vintage clothing store that offers self satisfaction over heaps of cash.

In October, Obama-fever was setting in. AJB and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary by getting engaged. I voted early in Norwalk and waited 4 hours. My sister came into town and helped me pick out my engagement ring. On Halloween, we drove out to Vegas to canvass for Obama.

November, Obama won the election and all was right with the world. Mostly. We stayed in Nevada until the 5th. AJB bought my ring and presented it to me on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. A week or so later, we traveled to Florida for a theme park convention. I had a headache for three days, but got to meet lots of people and saw Universal Orlando and Islands of Adventure. Starbucks unleashed their Gingerbread Lattes as “Ginger Snap Lattes”. My brother’s baby was born. Welcome Micheal Joseph Simental.

In December, we traveled to Chicago and New York. I saw Jersey Boys in Chi-Town and Liza in Manhattan. My brother, my Mom, and I saw Frankie Valli in San Bernardino. Bettie Page and Majel Barrett died. Christmas came and went. I was unprepared but it all came together in the end. I announced to my family that AJB and I were getting married – they all knew something was up, but thought I might be pregnant. LOL.

And now, here we are. The end of 2008. Is it just me or do years get more and more momentous as you get older? A long time friend got married, my grandpa died, I started my career, I went to Japan, Chicago (twice), New York, and Florida. I traveled more in 2008 than any other year. My brother had a baby and I got engaged. 2008 was filled with excitement and many life changing events. 2009 brings new promise, but I am hesitant to say it’s going to be great because I just don’t know. I do know that in 2009 I will be planning my wedding, turning 34, and getting married. The uncertainty of this economic crisis is casting a dark cloud over the new year. Who knows what the future will bring? *We are all interested in the future because that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

See what happened in 2007

*Crisswell, Ed Wood

The Tail End of Christmas

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Leading up to Christmas this year was probably the most hectic, stressful, and anxiety-ridden couple of days I’ve had all year. Mostly, I was pissed that I didn’t have any money to go shopping until after a photo session – but it would come only three days before Christmas. I was counting on money I didn’t have, which always upsets me.

We decided to throw an last minute, impromptu Christmas Night party and invited a handful of people. I figured it would be a nice way to unwind after all the fuss, but it ended up being yet another source of stress – as holiday parties often are. First off, the house was a disaster, I hadn’t done my Christmas shopping, I needed to cook for our family’s Christmas Eve party, and I needed to buy supplies for OUR party. In the middle of all that, I missed an entire day due to a bad sinus headache. Rushing around, hitting the malls, power-shopping. It was all too much! Meanwhile, AJB was decorating the house and I was freaking out because I hate doing it all last minute.

We spent Christmas Eve at my cousin DD’s house. Kids a’plenty and a virtual present orgy commenced. Christmas is so great for kids. I mean, it really is the holiday of all holidays for them. The best part is watching them rip open their presents and squee with delight. We had a great meal of tamales, beans, rice, and all the usual fixin’s. Mom made a boat load of holiday cookies that looked straight out of Martha Stewart. DKS made a pumpkin/chocolate cake that was a big hit. Naturally, with so much to do, I didn’t get any baking done this year. Regardless, it was a great night and I love spending time with my family – especially now that my Grandma Laura is so sick, it’s starting to feel like she won’t be with us much longer.

This holiday came and went far too quickly. We got our tree late, we were decorating, shopping, cooking, entertaining, and wrapping gifts with this huge countdown clock over our heads. Needless to say, it all finally caught up with me this morning and I had a major meltdown. Add to this that I miss my Dad and wish my baby brother in Omaha were here; but with a new baby and all, he couldn’t make it.

Today, we got to Mom’s about two hours late. She decorated her house and made a wonderful breakfast feast. We opened presents and then rushed back to our house to get ready for our party. We did it. We got it all done and the house looked amazing! I must say, it looked like one of those houses you see on TV. Simply perfect. The garland I complained about taking so long to hang looked phenomenal. We played classic holiday music, lit candles, laid out a delicious spread, and warmed our buns by the fire. I made spiced rum punch (mental note: make next year) and Mexican hot chocolate. Everything was beyond wonderful. AJB’s kids showed up, his eldest son invited his new girlfriend (whom we all like very much), my Mom came and so did a few friends. It was lovely. We played charades and opened more gifts.

Was it all worth it? *sigh* Yes it was. It always is. I just wish that I could figure out how to get it all done earlier. This last minute hustle and bustle drives me nuts and as proven by this morning’s meltdown, takes me to a place I don’t enjoy going. Somehow, however, it all worked out and it was just about the loveliest holiday anyone could have asked for. With all the stress, I think I forget that it really is about seeing friends and family. That’s it. Spending time with the people who make the other 364 days of the year meaningful.

And now, finally, I can divulge a secret I’ve been keeping for two months. AJB and I are engaged. He proposed on October 15th, but I’ve been waiting to talk about it until all my family knew. And now they all know. We made our official announcement at my cousin’s house last night. Everyone was so happy. When I tell people about how he proposed and I show them the ring, I get ooohs and aahhhs. It’s hard to explain, but it’s sort of like being famous. Everyone wants to congratulate you and see the ring so you end up telling the story numerous times and it gets better each time I tell it as I slowly figure out exactly how to elucidate the turn of events. It actually feels odd to be the center of attention. You’d think it wouldn’t, but it does.

Well, it’s late. I’ll write more about the wedding, the plans, the proposal, and all that later. I’m sleeping in tomorrow. Goodnite Christmas. See you next year.

The Art of Failure

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I feel like I got beat up. No, wait. I did get beat up. At yesterday’s Jujitsu class, I worked with a female blue belt who showed me some quick and dirty self defense tactics that she’s picked up over the years. She didn’t just show me, she demonstrated them on me. She was probably using medium to full force and they all hurt like a bitch.

Later, another student helped me work on my falling techniques. Falling is hard. First of all, you have to fall – which is terrifying in itself. Secondly, the forward fall means going face first – or at least it feels that way. It’s not that I’m worried about falling on my face, the technique is to protect your neck and head, but it’s about letting go and just doing it. I tried a few times and failed miserably. What bothered me most was that often times, I just froze. I couldn’t do it. The forward roll includes rolling like you’re holding a ball. I couldn’t do it so they gave me a real ball to work with. I still had a hard time and ended up flopping on my ass.

After that I went home. I felt like shit and had somehow twisted my knee. All those warm, fuzzy feelings I had about Jujitsu class went away and I confronted the fact that I am weak and fragile. I also sort of felt like the students who were teaching me were getting frustrated and a little annoyed. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I wondered.

It occurs to me that I’ve never been a real risk taker. Not when it comes to bodily harm. Even as a child, I was always careful about getting hurt. I once climbed to the top of the spider bars and sat there for two seconds before I freaked out and climbed back down. Once I got all the way to the top of the metal spaceship, sat there for two seconds, felt claustrophobic and climbed back down. I was always hyper aware of what I was doing and what could potentially lead to my getting hurt. Last night the teacher talked about how kids always have one fall they always remember. I don’t. I never fell off my bike and when I fell on my skates, I somehow made it to the soft grass. I’ve never had a bad fall. So really, you’d think I don’t have any major issues to get over, but yet last night, I couldn’t do these basic falls. Everyone kept telling that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else without learning these falls.

I know it was only my second day, but I feel broken and defeated. My body hurts and in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if the way people see me (a delicate flower) isn’t true. That’s not really how I see myself. If that were true, I wouldn’t be taking Jujitsu classes.

Perhaps it’s the differences in student teachers. On Monday, the guy I worked with was patient and let me fuck up numerous times. He helped me a great deal. Yesterday, I felt like the only reason anyone worked me was because practicing means partnering with someone and I made it even. Whoever didn’t have a partner, ended up with me, the dunce.

Yes, I’ll go back. I sort of feel like never showing my face again, but if I don’t go back, it just means that everyone is right about me. And I can’t have that, can I? I now realize that I do have something to prove. I’m not weak, I’m not fragile, and I can do this.

Christmas is Next Week. Time to Panic.

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Today I realized that Christmas is one week away. For some reason I thought I had more time. We have the tree, but it isn’t decorated. In fact, the decorations are still in the closet. I haven’t done any shopping and I still don’t know what I’m getting anyone. I had this vague thought of putting up house lights, but with a week to go, what’s the point?

What a bummer.

I hate that the holidays come and go so quickly. I’m not like my brother JCS who does his shopping months and weeks in advance. Nor am I like those maniacs who get up at the crack of dawn on Black Friday to trample Wal-Mart employees. When it comes to the holidays, I am never prepared. Now that we’re in our own house, I feel like I should decorate the yard, put up lights, bake cookies, and throw a party. I think about it, but it just never happens. This year, our last minute trip to New York really threw a wrench in the holiday planning and because we’ve been traveling a lot in general, my whole system of keeping time is off. I still don’t really know what day it is.

I also want to build good memories for AJB’s kids and create happy holidays they’ll remember for a lifetime. Easier said than done. As for shopping, money is tight and I have quite a few people on my list…plus I have a gig coming up that will bring in a little extra spending cash…it just happens to be 3 days before Christmas, which means I’ll be shopping during the mad rush- which I hate.

Oh. If only I really did have an extra week. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I am filled with dread and disappointment in myself. I’ll go through some self flagellation for a while and eventually get it together, but it’s this mad dash to the finish line that really freaks me out. Christmas came too early this year. And even though I’ve already had a heaping helping of Christmas television watching, it still almost doesn’t feel like Christmas. Perhaps I’m just not in the mood.

Naturally, this all reminds me how much I miss my Dad. This will be my second Christmas without him. Although last year was a lot more difficult, I still feel as though it’s just not the same without him. It isn’t. It really isn’t. Just knowing he won’t be there amongst the clatter of laughter and the tearing open of boxes, watching everyone open the gifts he gave. He once gave my sister-in-law a canned ham. Needless to say, the comedy factor of that moment continues to this day. My brother JCS and I still suggest that giving someone a canned ham for Christmas is the most awesome thing you can do. Awesome because it’s a terrible gift, but odd, and hilarious at the same time. Strangely, that’s the kind of guy he was. He thought it was a great gift and because it so wasn’t, therein lies the hilarity. Yeah, I guess you had to be there.

Anyway. Jujitsu class tonight. Like Scarlet O’Hara, I’ll think about everything else tomorrow.

The Art of Ju Jitsu

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I’ve never been a sporty person. In 6th grade, I tried out for the softball team and was so terrible, the coach asked me never to come back. In Junior High, I hated P.E. so much that as soon as I hit the blind spot behind the handball courts, I’d jump through a hole in the fence other P.E. haters had made. I’d leave for an hour and show up like nothing happened. It was brilliant. My parents made me take soccer when I was about 11/12. I hated it. Most games, I just stood there and looked at the clouds. If the ball ever actually came my way, I’d try to kick it and fail Charlie Brown style. I didn’t merely dislike sports, I was magnificently bad at them. I was an artist. I drew, wrote, and took pictures. I was sensitive and I hated jocks.

So why on Earth have I signed up for Jujitsu classes? I answer myself and say, “I don’t know, why did I?” I immediately realize that it’s because I need to. AJB travels a lot and sometimes I’m alone in our big, spooky house. I can rationalize all I want that the noises I hear outside are raccoons and not burglars, the footsteps in the main room are ghosts and not a real person, or that someone isn’t lurking in the bushes ready to strike. I can do that, but it doesn’t work. I’ve found that when AJB leaves, I don’t sleep. I’ll stay awake, checking the doors, watching the windows, and listening for sounds until I finally collapse with all the lights on. The next day, I’m a zombie and I don’t get anything done. Furthermore, when I was in college, I’d walk home and just about every night I’d get followed home or asked if I needed a ride by some pervert. A model friend of mine goes jogging every morning and sometimes gets followed by creeps. You hear stories, you’re bombarded with bad things in the news. Girls get kidnapped and raped in broad daylight. Sadly, the world isn’t safe.

It’s not paranoia, but these things do happen and to say “it’ll never happen to me” is being delusional…because it really could. In fact, I think all women should take a self defense class. You just never know when some cracked-out PCP addict will decide you’re cute and rape the shit out of you. How do you defend yourself? How do you get out of a choke hold? If someone is pinning you down, how do you turn the tables? That’s what I want to know! I want to know these things because I’ll sleep better at night knowing that I have a skill that my (potential) attacker doesn’t.

I attended my first class last night. I learned how to fall sideways, forward, and backward. I’m not good at it, but I will be with time. I also learned how to avoid someone who’s going for you and how, if someone’s punching you, to push them out of the way. First night and all, it was a lot of information, but instantly, I learned that with very little pressure, you can actually do a lot of damage. We learned this twisty wrist thing and I kept feeling like I was going to hurt my classmates. I also leaned that despite being deadly, Jujitsu can also get you out of sticky situations without any harm done to you or your opponent. Already, I feel empowered. I also realized that Jujitsu, like dance, is an art and of all the martial arts is perfect for right-brained people. I like that.

When I got into my bright, white uniform and no socks, I felt like I dork. There I was with my blue pony-tail, learning how to take down an attacker twice my size. Wow. Weird, right? I never thought in a million years I’d be doing something like this. Never. Ever. I instantly conquered my dorky inhibitions and decided to enjoy the class. All the students are really great. I’m not sure who’s who and what’s what, but there is a good vibe at this school and I feel like I belong. Everyone is really cool and helpful. Students from all walks of life attend this school including a female Pasadena police officer and a 15 year old kid that was getting picked on by classmates. Apparently his grades and self esteem have gone up since he started the class. I also like that this school doesn’t have a competitive nature. It’s all about education.

I might never get attacked in a dark alley by a cracked-out PCP addict, but knowing that I will be prepared comforts me. You see, being scared isn’t my thing. It’s bothered me. I’m an intelligent person so why I am scared to be alone in my own house? I’m also a proactive person and I’m all about getting passed by own personal hurdles. Life is about making yourself a better person and learning as much as you can. So why not learn this?

Oh What a Night

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I woke up yesterday in such a good mood. I was going to see THE Frankie Valli with my Mom and JCS. A storm was brewing, but it wasn’t just the rain. I guess most families fall into the category of irrational and dramatic, so I can take comfort in knowing I’m not alone. Eh, I won’t go into it.

We arrived at The California Theater in San Bernardino, which is oddly beautiful considering it’s unfortunate geographical location. It was a brisk evening and we arrived a little early. I was in a bad mood due to earlier events and figured a Jack and Coke would fix me right quick. I went outside for a quick pre-show smoke, J&C in hand, I chatted with a true Frankie Valli fan who had seen Valli perform over 40 times and had actually met him.

The show started right on time. When Valli came out, he immediately charged into a 60 second rendition of “Dawn” and I couldn’t believe my eyes, was Frankie lip-synching? Was he? No. Couldn’t be. I kept watching and eventually determined he wasn’t. Dawn was over quicker than I would have liked. It’s my favorite Four Seasons song and I was a little bummed. It took me a while to get back into the groove, but I never fully recovered.

Throughout the show, Frankie was kind enough to oblige the half filled theater with fan favorites and several covers from a new album. Overall (and let me just get this out of the way) Frankie has a golden voice. He’s a living legend and seems like a stand-up guy. I grew up listening to the Four Seasons because my Dad loved them so. It’s really easy for kids to get into 60′s bubble-gum pop, except, I look back fondly at complaining that all my Dad listened to was old music. Of course, because it was hammered into my head, as I grew older and realized that “old” music is WHY we have new music, I grew to love and appreciate it. I especially love The Four Seasons because it reminds me of my Dad. It’s not just that. It’s really great music. Bob Gaudio, the mastermind behind all their songs, is a musical genius. I also recently saw Jersey Boys in Chicago and actually liked it.

I guess I expected more from the show. I mean, Frankie’s 74 years old, so I don’t know what I expected, actually. Have you ever been up late at night flipping channels and you stumble upon KCET public television pledge drive? They broadcast their concert series which are generally older bands from the 60′s or 70′s that take place in towns like San Bernardino. The hosts reminisce and tell you about the importance of supporting public television and that if you pledge a hundred dollars, you’ll get a tote bag and a CD. Back to the concert, KC and the Sunshine band or some other sad band that has nothing better going on. The cameras scan the audience and it’s filled with centenarians sitting there like lumps on logs, occasionally smiling and clapping their hands. Never standing and occasionally nodding off.

You get the picture? That was last night. Talk about the oldest crowd I’ve ever been amongst. Old, old, old. Old as shit. It was like the old age home had a field trip. Frankie Valli, because he himself is old, now has a foursome of young lads that sing and dance behind him. They’re freakin’ nuts. They were all over the place, bouncing, jumping, high fiving each other, doing moves that were obviously inspired by the 60′s, but looked more like a cheap theater production of a 60′s dance routine. A group of good looking, local boys, who looked like jocks that hurt themselves in highs school, had to leave the team, and got into theater as lark, and ended up touring with Franki Valli. Did I actually see chest bumping? I feel like I did. Their big moment came when each Dude got a turn in singing “December, 1963 (Oh What a Night)”. I guess Frankie can’t justify singing it himself because it was originally done by Gerry Polci and Don Ciccone. The Dudes, I swear to God, were doing (holy shit) hip-hop dance moves and kind of rapping out the song a bit. None of them could sing and it was awful, awful, awful. Fuck. And get this, the audience flipped! They loved it. As far as I was concerned, it was the worst part of the show.

Fine. I regrouped. I was pretty stoked when Frankie sang Grease, Sherry, and Big Girls Don’t Cry. Still, the audience just sat there. There were also various medleys thrown into the mix. I hate medleys. When Frankie asked the audience to clap, it was like pulling teeth. I figure their Metamucil kicked in during “Oh What a Night”, but wore off soon after. At one point, one lady stood up to dance, but looked around, saw she was the only one and sat back down. Good for you lady. I heard a “Fuck Yeah” from the back when “Walk Like a Man” came on, but otherwise, this was the most comatose audience I’ve ever been in. Comatose! I don’t care if you’re a hundred years old, this is a concert, and Frankie Valli is a fucking rock star! How do you forget what it’s like to be young? How often do you get to see a living legend? Stand up! Clap! Yell! I did and the lady in front of me kept getting annoyed. At one point, her husband had to comfort her. OMG.

Granted, the musical arrangements for these songs have metamorphosed into cheesy Las Vegas lounge versions and there are few reminders that you’re actually watching a Frankie Valli concert. It could have been a cover band, for all I knew.

Frankie was phoning it in. I hate to say it, but he was. JCS and my Mom will disagree, they loved it, but they’re both old ladies. I mean, when you’ve been singing the same songs for 40 years, I guess you lose some of that old enthusiasm. The problem is, it really looked like The Four Dudes were there to replace that lost vigor. That’s sad. Even though Frankie can’t dance and shake like he once did, he still has a beautiful voice. I guess it doesn’t help that the audience was snoring through more than half the show. That’s gotta be a bummer for any performer.

Everyone stood up after the first finale because they thought it was over and were giving their show-end standing ovation. Psyche! The band came back out and did 3 more songs. Naturally, now that you’re up, you can’t just sit back down, can you? That would be embarrassing. You stood, now you gotta hold your ground. Standing or not, the level of excitement was still low. Lights on, show over. The audience erupted in applause. Finally.

Was it the worst show I’ve ever seen? No. Like I said, despite all the bad, Frankie still sings like a king. The audience’s lack of enthusiasm was disheartening and I was confused. The modern musical arrangements ala Las Vegas isn’t my cup of tea, but the band was skilled. I can say that much. Will I ever see Frankie Valli play again? Probably not. I hated The Four Dudes. They killed it for me. I’d go see Jersey Boys again, because at least they sing the songs as they were intended and you get to see a reasonable facsimile of the band in their hey day.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to be disappointed by a Frankie Valli show and I don’t blame Frankie at all. He’s old and these ancient songs are his bread and butter. I’ll continue to listen to The Four Seasons because I love them and they deserve to be remembered as they were.

I’m about to become very wealthy

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I received this in my mail this morning:

From:JOSEPH JONATHAN
Spain, Europe.
Reply to: sfjonathan7@gmail.com
Dear Sir,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from an international brochure because I do not know anybody I will contact. I prayed over it and believed that you will be a reputable and trust worthy person that I can trust and do business with, I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business assistance. I am Joseph Jonathan the only son of late Mr. and Mrs. Richard Mabel Jonathan of blessed memory.
My father until his untimely death was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in West Africa; my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip to our cocoa plantation in Abidjan a neighboring country from my country West Africa. My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on 16th November, 2005 in a private hospital in Accra Ghana. He secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Five Million, Nine Hundred Thousand United State Dollars USD ($5,900, 000.00) he deposited with a private security firm in Spain, which he used my name his only son as the next of Kin in depositing of the money with the private security firm in Spain. The security firm is not aware that the box contains money and my father warned me to keep this as a top secret till I get a reliable foreigner that will assist me get the box out as his foreign partner. He also expla
Please, I am sincerely seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) to assist me claim the box containing the money from the security company as my late father’s foreign partner. (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund. (3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country because I cannot go back to my country till I am a full grown man.
Moreover, sir I will like you to tell me what you will take from the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful release and transfer of this fund into your bank account in your country. Please you should indicate your interest towards assisting me by writing me an email at : sfjonathan7@gmail.com ,as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within seven days (7) days you signify interest to assist me. Please keep this proposal confidential.
Thanks and God bless.
Best regards,
Joseph Jonathan

What I love about these OBVIOUS scams is that they continue to become more and more colorful as the years progress. A wealthy cocoa farmer from Africa who was ultimately poisoned by a business partner. Joseph, his only son and only heir, was bequeathed Five Million, Nine Hundred Thousand United State Dollars, but for some reason, can’t take it out of the bank and needs my help.

map_of_cote-divoire

What’s funny is that if you don’t have any sense about you, you’d easily fall for something like this not realizing that Abidjan is a city and is actually located in the country of Côte d’Ivoire, in Western Africa. Furthermore, while Accra is in Ghana and a neighboring country to Côte d’Ivoire, I don’t think “West Africa” is actually a country. It’s like North America isn’t a country; it’s several countries. West Africa is comprised of 16 smaller countries.

I like how detailed these scams are providing dates, places, real looking email addresses, and a pretty dramatic sob story: Mother dies when he’s little, Dad was poisoned, and now he can’t get his inheritance. You think, I’m listed in an international brochure? Wow! How’d that happen? Pretty vague and while I’d love to believe that I’m listed in some special brochure that reaches the eyes of wealthy Africans, there’s no way in hell. Seriously, who would believe this? Do people believe this? Are there really people out there who fall for this crap? There must be or else these scams wouldn’t continue to exist. All you have to do is ask yourself one question: Why wouldn’t a rich cocoa farmer have a will? If he really wanted his son to have the money, he’d of made a will or listed the boy as a joint account holder at the bank.

Anyway, it’s not real, so there’s no use speculating a will. But I mean, seriously…do people fall for this? Yes, because there’s a sucker born every minute. The major tip off is, first of all, why would a wealthy person half way across the world be contacting YOU? If the constant misspellings and inaccurate geography aren’t a tip off, you probably have more problems than recognizing inaccuracies in a random email. And secondly, where the fuck have you been the last 10 years? These scams have been going around as long as I’ve been on the interwebs – about 11 years now. Do the people who fall for this live in caves with no running water, electricity, or interwebs? You and I both know that if I were to, hypothetically, contact this Joseph person, there would indeed be some form of “send me money so I can send you money” thing going on. I wouldn’t send someone 5 dollars to send me 10 let alone several thousand dollars. Oh, and come on…whose last name is “Jonathan”? Even if someone contacted me with my long dead Mexican grandfather’s name, I’d have to assume it was a scam. He has plenty of heirs in Mexico that would come before me.

Good grief. I digress. This letter was one of the better ones I’d received in a long time and I especially like the poisoning angle. I weep for the people that continue to fall for these things, however. How sad. How sad indeed.