I wrote an open letter to the rats in my basement, walls, and attic and posted it on Craigslist. Partially to be funny, but also to help clear my conscience. Not that I actually think the rats have a tiny internet connection and will read this letter, but it’s semi-cathartic to get it off my chest.

Dear Rat Family,

What you don’t know is that today is the beginning of the end. You may have noticed a chubby man in a yellow shirt walking around the house yesterday? His name was Tom, but you can call him “The Exterminator”. He, or one of his co-workers, will bring about your final judgment.

I’m so sorry that it had to come to this. I called every pest controller in the area and tried to have your family re-located, but they all agreed you had to die. No one would capture you in humane traps and take you to a new home in the forest where your children could run around, climb trees, and nibble on things. One guy even laughed at me when I asked. I looked into natural remedies that might annoy you so you’d leave on your own, but it’s more work than I can put into it. It also means going into the creepy attic and scary basement, which I avoid if I can. I also understand it’s illegal to save and relocate rats.

I don’t blame you for setting up camp in my house and I’m not mad at you. My house is pretty great and there are a lot of nooks, crannies, dark spots, and shrubbery to make a fine home in. You, like me, just want to survive, be happy, and live your life. However, I must face the fact you’re not a little chef and you don’t wear clothes or talk. You have the potential to carry disease, you breed like rabbits, you poop all over the place, and you’re probably why my allergies have been off the hook lately. I know you’re just doing what you do, but the cons outweigh the pros.

Today traps will be set and the slaughter will begin. You’ll go about your merry way, spot a tasty treat and go for it. You’ll think you’ve hit the jack-pot. After struggling to feed your family all these months, you’ll attempt to grab that tasty morsel and within an instant, a metal spring will snap and a bar will come crashing down on your skull. If you’re lucky, it will be instantaneous. At least one of your kin will encounter the trap and find that he’s pinned with a broken spine, still alive, dying slowly. At night, I’ll hear the traps snapping and cringe. I fully expect to cry. But what are my tears worth when I am essentially playing God and bringing about your doom?

As one by one, your family members take the bait, die, and are removed, you won’t learn anything. You won’t see the tiny corpses of your children and think to yourself, “I might not want to go after that delicious treat.” You’re smart, but you’re not that smart.

It’s not fair and nothing I can say will take away from the fact that I gave the order to have you killed. I wish there was a different way, but like you, I must take care of my family first. I’m sorry I’m not a better person and despite all my talk about saving the planet, loving animals, and being a vegetarian for 17 years, I am a failure. I failed your family.

Good-bye little rat family. I can’t say I’ll miss you, but I am sorry.

Within minutes, I had several responses:

Great post.

I had rats once at a house I lived in in Venice on Walgrove.

We set the traps and we listened to the SNAPPS!! It was rough. Rats are strong smart animals.

One of the trapps snapped and you could hear the rat crying and screaming for a long while. My girlfriend at the time was an anamial lover and she freeked out and was ugly.

I am going to move into an old family house w/ skunks and rats in a few weeks. As much as it hurts, all those skunks and rats are going to die, and thats just the way it is.

….AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH*@#$%!!
That was great.
Now substitute the subject “rat” with “illegal” and it would take on a whole new application.

Dear landlord,

I am dismayed that you are choosing such a hostile act as poison to evict my family and I. If you continue in this course of action my family and I will be forced to declare jihad against you. Die you insolent american!! We will do our best to die inside walls where the stink of our moldering corpses will be as the sweet stench of Allah’s breath, and the most bothersome to you yankee scum. The kitchen wall behind the oven will be first, then the wall behind that new 52″ lcd flat panel sounds about right. Ohh, the irony. Imagine trying to watch my movie star cousin Ratatoulie while little abdul is stinking just inches from that nice warm lcd tv. Next would be where your bed goes against the wall. Every night you will be thinking of me, as you you try to go to sleep. Sleep well american scum.

Fiesal

I had to email you and express what a fantastic writer you are. That was amazing. You had me giggling, choking up, and feeling such empathy for your plight. Very sincere and blunt at the same time. You’re doing the right thing, rats are definitely a danger to your health. Good luck, I hope you don’t hear the traps going off too much.

The guy who wanted to exchange “rats” for “illegals” is apparently a racist sonofabitch. The guy that wrote the Jihad response is obviously thinking of Fieval from the animated film “An American Tail”. People are so funny.

Anyway, I do feel guilty, but like cockroaches, you can’t mess around. Once they’re in your house, it’s us or them. *sigh* Sometimes life isn’t fair. I have to do it, but I feel really bad.