Monthly Archives: December 2007

Rod Serling: True Today As He Ever Was

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As millions of people descend on the city of Pasadena, like locusts, I take comfort in simple pleasures: The Sci-Fi Channel’s annual New Year’s Eve Twilight Zone Marathon. All hail the Sci-Fi Channel for good taste and wise choices in programming.

And if you ever had any question about Rod Serling’s divine intelligence, charm, style, and wit; behold, part’s 1 and 2 of the Mike Wallace Rod Serling Interview. In it, Rod and Mike talk about (among other things) censorship and a new series called The Twilight Zone. Pay close attention and you’ll realize that in 40 years, not a whole lot has changed in regards to the gentrification of television, it’s writers, controversial material. You further realize that Rod Serling was not only a well spoken revolutionary, but a diligent visionary as well.

In the end, 2007

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Just about every “blogger” has the lame tradition of going over the year’s events as each year draws to a close. I do it because I always have and it helps me assess things, keep things in perspective, and prepare for the next 365 days.

2007 will always be the year my dad died. Even though other events skirted in and out of sunrises and sunsets, it’s hard to think about anything else. I lost so much this year. The family (en masse) I once knew seems to be a reasonable facsimile of the vivacious group of people I spent my holidays with. Are we closer? I don’t know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Fantasies bring pictures of uniting through tragedy and while this is sometimes the case, it isn’t often. Alas, I am unsure of what it will take and often wonder that I might have to trudge on without them. Maybe it just takes time.

2007 was also the year I moved in with my boyfriend. We got into a grand house in a grand neighborhood. I see his children more often and I am now hostess to my family’s year Christmas Eve Spectacular. My life isn’t anything like it was a year ago. Every thing’s changed. It’s funny how you can actually track the changes, if you want to. The choices you make and the choices that are made for you. They shape you and mold you. If you’re not careful, you may end up becoming someone you hardly recognize. And that has been my battle, my haunted quest. Who I become in the wake of my father’s death is now up for discussion.

One year ago tonight I was trapped in Albuquerque, snowed-in during what eventually became the largest snow storm New Mexico had ever seen. I often wonder about these things. You see, I didn’t really want to go home. I wanted to spend as much time with my dad as possible. The snow storm made it possible. Thanks to nature and it’s unpredictability, I was granted a few more precious days. We didn’t do anything. We watched TV, talked a little, he slept, we slept. It was nice and I treasure those days. When I drove away, I cried. I guess I must have known that he wouldn’t make it. Even though my brain lied to me and told me he’d be fine, my soul knew different.

In 2007 I received money my dad left me and bought a professional camera, a highly expensive lens, and a new iMac. I don’t think I could have ever afforded any of that if it hadn’t been for my dad.

During the trials and tribulations of 2007, I suffered and continue to suffer from stress related eczema. I haven’t liked talking about it because it’s highly personal, unflattering, and annoying. I’m resolve in my belief that I won’t have it much longer and that because of it, I have altered my eating habits and am honestly trying to live a more healthy and productive life. I’m still a work in progress, but the way I figure…I’m working on it. That’s a good thing. The holidays set me back a bit, but I guess the point is to keep trying.

2007 was the hardest year of my life. Even though every day it gets a little better, I remain slightly broken. Adding salt to my wounds, my grandfather was recently admitted to the hospital. I’m not really sure what’s going on, but apparently he’s getting sent home and might still be in bad shape. How well do 90 year olds recover from this sort of thing? I imagine not well and while he might go home, he won’t be healthy, he’ll be a lot more frail and his days will be numbered. I guess at 90, they already are. There are also various custody battles going on over my grandfather and his future is highly uncertain.

2007 was a bad year mixed with small tinges of good. I also went to New York, a town I love more than a whole lot of other towns. I had dinner with Ray Bradbury at Disneyland’s Club 33, I got a new iPhone, my baby brother got engaged to a girl no one likes, my siblings divvied up my dad’s remaining possessions, my boyfriend and I discovered that we still like each other enough to live together after miscellaneous growing pains, and I accomplished several amazing photo shoots. I’m in a whole new place. My mind, my soul, everything. It’s all new and scary and difficult.

What lies ahead for 2008? Do I dare make resolutions? I figure, why bother? I won’t follow them anyhow and like 2007, I’ll simply hope for the best. I know things will get better because I want them to. I’ll continue to make strides and will strive to create a life my dad would be proud of. As each day passes, the reality of his demise will set in a little more and I’ll stop wishing it weren’t true and simply accept it as fact. In 2008 my brother will most likely get married and I’ll see Omaha for the first time. I’ll probably hate it. In the coming year, I might find financial independence or I might chicken out and stick to the status quo. I might find some semblance of bravery and go after the things I want with gusto. Time will tell, the days will pass, and they fly by faster every year. 2008 will pass faster than 2007 and I’ll be one year older. Things will continue to change and so will I.

See what happened in 2006.

So This is Christmas

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*sigh* Christmas is two days away – three days away, however you want to count. I’m done with my shopping and the tree is trimmed. On Christmas Eve I have 20+ people coming to my house to celebrate. While I’m happy about this, it’s stressful. The house is a mess and there are miscellaneous boxes all over the place. For some reason, my mom decided to throw out all my childhood memories – my brother has, over a couple of days, brought most of it over, but not all of it. Toys, dolls, drawings, artwork, stories, magazines, crap. Lots of it. It’s all going into the garage which fades the garage/studio idea a little further/farther into the distance. In fact, a lot of things are going into the garage. So long garage/studio. It was a nice idea.

I washed my car this morning. My next task is clearing out the TV room. I just want to make it look a little more organized. My turn table never did get set up. I hate to admit I have no idea how to do that. After that, I’ll start some laundry. After that, I’ll hit the bathroom and put away the bins of toiletries that have been sitting there since we moved. I’ve got Pandora.com blasting “Bauhaus Radio” which is currently on Echo and the Bunnymen, but earlier wanted me to listen to Emo. Thumbs down. On a side note, I absolutely love Pandora.com – it’s all the music you love and like a robotic friend, learns what you like and keeps it coming. I wish I could have it on my iPod.

Anyway, my sister and sister-in-law will be here at some point this evening and I’d like to have the house a little more tidy. The help I was counting on is not around and no one else wants to come over. Yeah, you know who you are. Eh, I’m not mad. It’s better this way. Stay out of my way.

A good friend of mine, someone I admire and like very much, was recently told she MIGHT have thyroid cancer. Three days before Christmas, this asshole doctor tells her she MIGHT have cancer without looking at any sort of test results. He’s scared the shit out of this young girl. So she’ll spend the holidays thinking she might die. What the fuck? No, seriously…what the fuck? I could easily go on a tangent about why I hate doctors and why the medical industry is a racket and a con, but I haven’t got the time. Needless to say, I’m pissed. I told her to wait until she gets the test results, to call my nutritionist, and know most of all that sometimes (a lot of times) doctors are wrong. They’re slaves to the prescription drug corporations and they make money by misdiagnosing people. Doctors helping people? No, they really don’t care. If they did, they wouldn’t tell a 24 year old girl she might have cancer. My dad might still be alive and untold millions of people wouldn’t be sick due to drug interactions or bad side-effects. People wouldn’t worry about restless leg syndrome and doctors would battle the cause, not the symptoms. Grrr. I hate it. Makes me so mad!!!

Eh, I’m off to start the TV room. Pandora’s rockin’ the house and I’m not all that ready for Christmas. I miss my dad. I know that he’d be over here right now helping me get ready. If nothing else, he’d show up early on Christmas Eve and help me cook. There is work to be done.

Strange Holiday Luck

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It’s raining pretty steady, which is nice, because every year, as we crawl out of Summer, just as we feel like it isn’t ever going to rain, it does. And that’s nice. Christmas is around the corner. By that I mean, it’s literally around the corner. Just a few more shopping days left. As if that wasn’t enough, our annual Christmas Eve family get-together is being held at my new house and this includes about 25 miscellaneous family members. It’s my first nice party (that didn’t include Pabst Blue Ribbon) and it’s the first time most of my family will see the new house. So yeah, no pressure. I’m not all that worried, but I am starting to think I should have started planning about two months ago. Ah, it’ll be fine, but this holiday is coming on faster than any other in my entire life. Wasn’t it just Halloween? No, I guess not.

To add to the holiday madness, my grandmother is sick, depressed, and just tired of living…at least, that’s what she says. The thing is, her most recent prognosis is that she’s got six months (or less) to live. I get it. She’s old, she’s tired, she misses my dad…it’s just, my brain isn’t really processing it. It’s hard for me to fathom that just 9 months after losing my dad, I’m also going to lose my grandmother. Now, for as long as I’ve known my grandmother, she’s been sick in one way or another. She’s always made it through and she’s always gotten back on her feet. Somehow, this feels different. This time, it really feels like this is it. I don’t want to think about it, but I haven’t got any other choice, do I.

On that note, I went to the mall twice today. Once for a work sponsored showing of Sweeney Todd (which was pretty gory, by the way) and then to do some Christmas shopping. Both times, I got really kick ass parking. Earlier at the theater, not only did I get rock star parking, I found a whole five dollar bill on the ground. What?? I never find that kind of money. Maybe a penny or a nickel, but a fiver? What strange luck. Sweeney Todd was on a first come first serve basis, so getting in wasn’t assured. I got in. The movie, two kick ass parking spaces (during the holidays, mind you), a fiver, and bad news about my grandmother. All in one day. Perhaps the movie, parking and fiver were ways of the Universe compensating for the bad news.

I don’t know. I’m tired.

Lame Ass Year End Survey

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Might as well. I always do some sort of retrospective at the end of the year, but since I’m addicted to these things, I figured I’d entertain myself and start early.

WITH 2007 COMING TO AN END
These are questions that pertain to this year.

1. Have you had any relationships this year?
If you mean boyfriend, yes. Same one as last year.

2. Have you had your birthday yet?
Yeah, it was kind of sad. My dad had just died.

3. Kissed two people in the same night
Yes, but one of those people was a cat.

4. Been on a diet?
Oh yeah. Big time. I’ve actually lost weight too.

5. Pulled an all nighter?
Hardly.

6. Drank Starbucks?
As much as possible. Come to me dark nectar.

7. Went Camping?
Haven’t been camping in 15 years.

8. Bought something(s)?
No, I don’t buy anything. What a stupid question.

9. Met someone special?
If by special you mean “special”, than yes, plenty.

10. Been out of the country?
Does New York count?

__________________________________________________________
HAVE YOU

1.) Hugged someone?
Can you imagine not hugging someone all year? You’d have to join one of the communal hugging groups.

2.) Slept in someone else’s bed?
I guess so. Guest bedroom at my boyfriend’s mom’s house.

3.) Got a job?
Not a new one anyway.

4.) Loaned out money?
Not loaned. Given. Happily.

5.) Gotten in a car accident?
Yes! Fucking bitch. It was her fault, but the insurance sided with her. I didn’t have it in me to fight it.

6.) Gone over your mobile phone bill?
Yeah. Like all the time, bitches.

7.) Been called a slut?
Not to my face.

8.) Done something you regret?
Sure.

__________________________________________________________
LAST :

Last Person you hugged?
joseph

Last Person to call you?
My brother.

When was the last time you felt stupid?
About 5 minutes ago at “1. Have you had any relationships this year?”

Who did you last yell at?
My boyfriend :( We made up.

What did you do today?
This has nothing to do with the year. This is obviously more specific.
___________________________________________________________
TEN FACTS :

01. Hometown:
This year?

02. Natural hair color?
This year?

03. Initials?
KMS. Wait. What?

04. Hair style?
Long with bangs. Same style it is every year.

06. Height:
Wait, again…is this about the whole year?

07. Pets:
Oatmeal, Matilda. Same as last year.

08. Mood
My mood fluctuated during the year.

09. Where would you rather be?
OK, this survey isn’t really about the whole year. Let’s just roll with it. Where would I rather be right now…New York.

10. What was the last thing you drank?
Water.
__________________________________________________________
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

01. Have you been in love?
Many times and all the time.

02. Do you believe in love?
Number 01 sort of answered this one, didn’t it.

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
Because he was gay.

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:
Many times.

05. Have you ever broken someone’s heart:
I guess so. Probably. Yeah, I guess I have. I figure they’re better for it.

06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
Yes, it was complicated and we were teenagers. Enough said.

07. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?
No, I told David Bowie I loved him, but I don’t think he heard me over the crowd.

08. Are you afraid of commitment?
I’m afraid of being committed.

09. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?
I guess so. Do you want me to count?

___________________________________________________________
4 EMOTIONS

01. Are you missing someone right now?
My dad.

02. Are you eating anything?
I’m typing. Can you type and eat at the same time, because I’d really like to see you try.

03. Do you like someone right now?
I guess you mean like, “like” someone. So yeah. I do.

1) Where did you begin 2007?
Driving home from Albuquerque after spending Christmas with my dad.

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
I was not in a good place, can’t remember what happened, but it probably sucked because I was an emotional wreck.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I’ve taken various photo classes and seminars.

4) How did you earn your money?
By being a flunky.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No, but I’ve seen several doctors, an allergist, and a nutritionist.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Got pulled over twice. Once for speeding, another for making an illegal U-Turn. Damn cops.

7) Where did you go on holiday (vacation)?
New York.

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
Canon 40D, L-Series lens, iMac.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No, but my brother got engaged. Booooo.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yeah.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yes. My boyfriend and I got into a lovely 100 year old Craftsman.

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Not as many as I would have liked.

15) Are you registered to vote?
Sho’nuff.

16) ..COOL.
Wha?

17) Where do you live now?
Like I said, we just got into a house.

18) Describe your birthday in one word.
Sad.

19) What’s one thing you thought you’d never do but did in 2007?
Lose my dad.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Walking around a corner and stumbling onto Bryant Park in New York.

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
I have a high capacity for pain.

22.) Any new additions to your family?
The iMac.

23.) What was your best month?
Not a whole month or anything, just a few days here and there.

24.) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Right now D.A.N.C.E by Justice comes to mind.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Didn’t do a whole lot of drinking this year, although I had plenty of reasons.

26) Made new friends?
Sure did!

27) Best new friend/s?
This year? Stacey.

28) Favorite Night out?
New York, New York, New York.

Broken Glass and Bad Pancakes

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I woke up this morning and had a brilliant idea: I’d make pancakes! Wanting to stick to the Vegan diet as possible, I found a recipe online. I’m also trying to stay away from wheat as best I can. Sure, the recipe said use “any” type of flour I wanted. It did not, however, tell me NOT to use Soy Flour. And while the package states it’s a good alternative to regular flour for “any” recipes, see my results:

I can’t even describe the gruesome debacle that occurred. It reminded me of the Horta from Star Trek Original Series:

Unlike with the Horta, we did not mind-meld with the pancakes to see what they wanted. Needless to say, I was pretty bummed out about my bad pancakes. We ended up going to IHOP, which is alright while you’re eating it, but leaves you feeling bloated and tired. I hate that. This is why I’m trying to eat healthy…so that I can feel good after I eat.

Earlier tonight, I was making a big fat pot of big fat vegetable soup (as dictated by the cold weather) and I heard voices out on the driveway. I assumed it was my boyfriend coming home from dropping off his kids. Seconds later, I heard glass break. I figured someone dropped a drink bottle. When no one came to the door, I went outside to investigate. Someone had broken one of our outdoor Craftsman light fixtures. Mind you, not easy to replace and usually pretty expensive. They came with the house, but still. Probably some dumb ass rich kids from the neighborhood just being bad – they way kids do. You know how it goes, over-privileged, given whatever they want no matter what, don’t really ever get into trouble, so they do something benign like break a light to make themselves feel rebellious in a world that coddles them. No excuses. I ran upstairs to get my bat (yeah, I grew up in the barrio), but didn’t find anyone. I was hoping to scare the shit out of them, but they were long gone.

Before:

After:

How sad. It pains me to realize that kids can be this stupid. Was I ever that stupid? Note the CFL is still intact. Yeah, I do my part.

Addicted to Blogging

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There is Dark Culture, which over the last 10 years has changed so much, I’ve finally decided to make my life easier and convert it to a blog format. It’s still good and I can update much more often. Then there’s this blog. This is where I bemoan my life, talk of woes, rant, and post crap no one cares about but me. It’s also, in a strange way, journaling my life and I often like going back in time and reading about what I was doing way back when. There’s also a secret blog that no one knows about that is general issue personal health talk. It’s not exciting and I don’t think anyone reads it. I’m sure no one reads it. It’s mostly about my insane diet and the year long battle with freakish skin conditions. Boring. And finally, there’s my photo blog. A blog dedicated solely to photography and my freelance career. It’s a companion blog to my professional site that includes random camera phone photos, items of a less personal nature, my inspiration, topics of general photography and so on. As I want to continue sharing photo elements on this blog, I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the two. I’ve had this particular blog for about 5 years now and I can’t imagine not continuing to update it. Besides, this is where I get to be a tortured artist. The Photo Blog is where I get to be Miss Professional and complain about Anne Geddes. I guess, when it comes down to it, the two most certainly need to live separate lives. Work and home, two versions of the same thing, either not really needed to mix with the other. Like church and state.

Thing is, the function of this blog has changed so much over the years. It used to be I could just unleash. No one really read it, so no one knew what I was saying about them. Since the incident at work, I’ve come to realize that it’s far too easy to upset people and often times, people take things the wrong way. There was also an incident with my mother – and honestly, who knew my mom was reading my blog? I just don’t have the ability to rage the way I once did and it’s changed the way I use my blog. Now it kinda feels like I’m being watched. Or when people mention something I wrote about, as if we’d talked about it in person, sort of weirds me out. The element of paranoia has set in and I now wonder what I’m allowed to talk about. I hate to make this blog PC, but it’s so easy to get into trouble and piss people off. That’s probably why the updates are less than normal.

Eh, I also don’t want to talk about the things that are going on in my life because they’re way too personal. Anyone I’m mad at will probably come to my blog and find out if I’m mad at them. I started out wanting to talk about my new photo blog and I’ve gone off on a tangent. You can find my photo blog here. You know you need to RSS that bitch. I’ve started the whole thing over and I really don’t feel like importing any of the old posts.