Almost everyday, I’m *this* close to shutting down Dark Culture. It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love with it, it’s just not as easy to run anymore. When I started the zine 10 years ago, I was working part time jobs and had plenty of time to devote to updates, writing, and maintenance. I was 22 and my life was much different. I’m nearly 32 and I’m busier than ever, working a full time job and freelancing on the weekends. I have a boyfriend, two cats, sick parents, and a brother than demands a lot of my time. The old cliche, “I’ve just been really busy” is true.

I think about shutting down the site for other reasons too. For some reason, I’ve been hard pressed to find writers that do what they say they will. I understand the whole not getting paid thing. It’s hard to juggle personal lives and then on top of that, write for a magazine that doesn’t pay. I always figured, I’d find people who cared about my angle on the scene enough to want to be a part of it. Like a little family working towards the same goals. Maybe it’s more like a family than I realize. Hardly enough time for one another, moving on, doing other things. As it stands, I have three writers who have promised to submit material and haven’t. Good writers all, all missing in action.

Maybe it’s the holidays. I don’t know. I’ve been in a funk with the site for a long time. There was a period where I was the ultimate flake. People would send stuff in and I’d take months to get it online. Maybe I’ve garnered a reputation for being a loaf.

Some days I think, “I’m gonna get this site going and make all kinds of updates and write like a fiend”. I hardly ever do. I look at magazines like the amazing Morbid Outlook and have no idea how Mistress McCutchan finds the time. I also realize that I have the time, but I squander it. Tired from the day’s work, wanting only to relax in front of the NBC Thursday night line-up. There is a lethargy that’s taken over and despite recent stressful events in my life, I still feel compelled to keep the site open.

Lethargic and I’ve hardly written any reviews in the last few months. There’s a lot going on in my life and I’m stressed out. My boyfriend recently suggested that I put up an “on hiatus” notice and just take a real break from the site. I’m afraid if I do that, I won’t ever come back. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a solution to lessen the load and keep the site going. Aside from stripping down the site to podcasts, reviews, forums, and the occasional interview. Would it be the same? Would it matter? There hasn’t been an honest to goodness article in years. I’m not sure why I continue to hold on to that.

I can’t do the site all by myself. It’s been clear for years. I need help, but I can’t find people who willingly want to be a part of the site…not the way I do. I need to be more involved and lead by example. Time again. How much time can I afford to spend on the site, babysitting writers, and begging for submissions? I’m getting sick of it. I’m sad that I’m sick of it. Dark Culture has been a part of my life for a long time and the fact that I’m this fed up is disheartening. It’s also confusing because I don’t really want to shut down the site. I want it to be greater than it is.

If the site continues, it will be because I want it to. It will be that I’ve found a way to balance it all.

Part of my dismay stems from the comments and feedback thread I started last week at the forums. I asked readers to give me their thoughts on the site and let me know what should or should not change. Not one comment. No ones cares. Web readers want information served to them. They don’t want to lift a finger and it’s too much to ask for a little feedback. I’m frustrated and not sure which direction to take anymore. What’s it gonna take? How can I continue? Do I want to?