Monthly Archives: December 2006

2006: Closed for Business

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What a strange, horrible, and exciting year this has been. 2006 was the year my Grandma Lena died, my boyfriend’s father died, I got a new car, my old boss left, I got a new boss, I went to Europe, went to Las Vegas, took small steps to becoming an independent photographer, received fulltime status at work with benefits, my dad moved to New Mexico, my baby brother moved to Omaha, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes, we found out two of my cousins have schizophrenia, my sister and sister-in-law bought a house, and finally, my father was diagnosed with cancer. Right now, I can’t come up with the full list of goods and bads because I’m just too darned tired.

I am currently snowed in. Stuck in Rio Rancho, New Mexico with 8 inches of snow outside, closed roads, and nasty weather conditions. My brother and I were to leave today, back to Pasadena, 13 hours in the car, and eventually home. It didn’t happen. It started snowing last night and for some reason, we all thought it wouldn’t last, that we could leave on schedule. It snowed all day today. For a girl born and raised in Southern California’s mild climate, snow is a sort of novelty. Once my family and I went up to Big Bear; ran around in the snow, constructed a snow bear (of which my father adorned with a cast away beer bottle), but that was like, 17 years ago. Since then, I’ve seen patches of snow here and there in miscellaneous places, but never real, honest-to-goodness snowfall like this. I mean, it was snowing all freakin’ day! Matter of fact, it’s still snowing, which means my brother and I may stay another day. At one point during the day, my youngest brother (who is unable to leave due to canceled flights, the brother from Omaha) played in the backyard hurling snowballs at one another. He made a snow angel, but it looked more like moved around snow. Mostly, we stayed on the couch and watched TV and looked at snow from the window. I took a nap. This entire week has been very relaxed. More than wanting to see side towns and landmarks, I was happy sitting on the couch next to my dad watching local news. Through his illness, he’s remained mostly sedentary in a worn out corner of the couch, catching up on daytime television, sleeping, and complaining of miscellaneous pains. All I really wanted to accomplish by this trip, I’ve done: Hang out with my dad.

Christmas itself was a nice, mellow day. My sister and sister-in-law flew in from Vallejo Valley (outside San Francisco). My baby brother flew in from Omaha. We all watched Christmas movies, ate, opened presents, and spent some much needed time together. Albeit a little stressed due to my dad’s condition, I couldn’t have asked for a better holiday. We even made it out to Santa Fe for a few hours before it got really cold. On the 26th, my boyfriend…let me rephrase, my awesome boyfriend, flew in from Los Angeles to spend a few days with me before he darted off to Chicago where his kids were waiting for him. We exchanged gifts and ate meals together. I slept two nights at the local Hyatt Resort…two nights on a real bed, rather than the air mattress I’ve been occupying lately. Mostly, however, this trip can best be described as simple and quiet. Aside from trips to the doctor, my dad isn’t really able to get out, so I’m happy when he’s awake, talking and joking.

I want to go home, but I don’t. I miss my cats, but I’m not nearly ready to return to the real world. A world without snow, a world far away from my dad, and back to the grindstone. Work. I’ve hardly thought about it this week. Somehow the people, the tasks, the work-flow, the noise, and the headaches are so far away and unimportant. I would drop it all if my Dad asked me to. He won’t ask and by New Year’s Eve, I should be back in my messy little apartment cuddling with my kitties, and preparing to return to work. I’m filled with thoughts of leaving it all behind; with thoughts of more important things like family and personal goals. Life. It’s short and the people who make my life miserable are easier to toss aside than I think. If only in my mind.

It’s the end of another year. Another year come and gone, good things, bad things, all the (fucking) yin and yang I can handle. This past week was filled with comfort and joy, happiness and sorrow. Comfort in knowing my family can honestly pull together when the going gets rough. Joy that my boyfriend makes time for me in the form of grand gestures. Happiness that my Dad is alive. Sorrow that he’s sick and I’m going home. Mostly happy that I am loved by the people I love. If nothing else, this year was a lesson in life…life isn’t fair, it isn’t always fun. Bad things happen, but good things do too. Even when things seem their darkest, I must always search for a silver lining. I have to.

Road to Nowhere

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I might not get another chance to write before I leave on Saturday morning. That’s Saturday morning, before the crack o’ dawn, 4am. My brother and I will be driving the long distance to New Mexico to see my dad for the holiday. Over the last couple of days I’ve been running around like the proverbial decapitated chicken: buying Christmas gifts, shopping for travel supplies, cleaning house, and oh yes, work. Work is nuttier than usual, but that’s another blog. I have this daunting laundry list of things to do, things to pack, and things I need to remember. What makes this trip different from any other road trip is that my brother and I will most likely encounter bad weather in some spots; including snow, closed roads, and probably one or two snow beasts. I’m a little worried about the weather, but it’s not like I can stay home. It’s Christmas. I need to see my dad and I want to be with my family. It’ll take a long time to get there, maybe two days, but it’ll be worth it. I have all these horrible thoughts about getting trapped in the snow like James Kim. It’s why I’m taking extra pre-cautions and packing emergency supplies…things the Kim family didn’t have. I also don’t expect to drive down isolated roads, but you never know. Actually, I’m not all that worried, but it’s better safe than sorry. Right?

Tomorrow I’m getting my car checked out, packing, wrapping gifts, and hopefully sleeping. Friday is will be an extremely busy day at work. I wish I could take the day off. I should get as much rest as possible, but at hectic times likes these, it seems almost impossible.

Just in case I get lost in the wilds of California, Arizona or New Mexico, here’s the route we’re taking. Send a search party if you haven’t heard from us in three days. I think we can survive on granola bars and other non-perishable items for that long. Wish us luck.

Merry Christmas to the two people that read my blog. You know who you are.

A Day At Disneyland

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Christmas Castle

It’s amazing, but after spending the day at Disneyland, I feel ten times better. I am also more prepared to handle the holiday season. The decorations and sublime holiday mood at Disneyland this year was nothing short of magical. Disneyland has, once again, lived up to it’s name as The Happiest Place on Earth.

Hanuted Mansion Holiday

My brother and I arrived around 1pm and immediately made our way to the Haunted Mansion. The house of my dreams was decked out in grim holiday style. Jack greeted us on the way in. Somehow, I can’t recall ever seeing the Haunted Mansion Holiday, but I know I have. This time it all seemed new and exciting. Everything was just beautiful and the transformation the Mansion takes every year is truly a huge undertaking. Everything is switched out and replaced with themes from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Somehow, they managed to take this beloved attraction and place a whole new spin on it without being disrespectful to the original ride. It’s just amazing. Seeing the house decorated for the holidays put this wacky idea into my head that maybe I should decorate my own home.

My brother and I rode the usual rides: Pirates, Space Mountain, Mr. Toad, Big Thunder, and Winnie the Pooh. We also did the strangest thing and rode It’s a Small World, a ride neither of us had gone on since we were kids. Now I understand why people take acid on this ride. It is the most psychedelic, tripped out, crazy ride I’ve ever seen. Pink camels and small children dressed as whorish cabaret dancers…it’s nuts! All the little dolls move in this jerky, antiquated, robotic way…they’re all starring at you, smiling like little creeps. I’m so glad this ride exists in the world. It makes the world a better place. I probably won’t ride it again for another 15 years, but oh, it’s spectacular! While we were waiting in line, an announcer came over the loud speaker asking the crowd to look towards It’s a Small World. Suddenly, the entire structure lit up like a Christmas Tree with one thousand twinkling lights. I have to say, even I oooh’d and awe’d.

My brother bought this funny hat, you know, the kind that you see everyone wearing for the day? The kind that is just so obnoxious, you shake your head when you see some dumb dork walking by in it. It was Mickey as a snowman and looked so funny perched upon my brother’s head. I sort of liked that he had the guts to wear it, that he wanted some memento of the day, and had such a good time. People kept coming up to him asking him where he’d gotten it and I think he liked the attention. Throughout the rest of the night, we’d hear happy laughter as people told him how much they liked it. One man said, “Nice hat, man.” It was the most interesting reaction to a hat I’d ever witnessed.

With the world far away and the bad things at rest, a day at Disneyland is just what I needed.

When It Counts

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So many things are going on at once that I often can’t keep the days straight. I’ve hit a point where I’m emotionally and physically depressed. I find myself wanting, more than anything, to crawl under a rock and stay there until things magically get better. Whenever something good happens, that good feeling high hits and lasts for 2.5 seconds until I’m suddenly reminded that my dad has cancer and the holidays are flying toward me at light speed.

After seven weeks the lighting class I was taking at Art Center, finally came to a close. Tonight ended in a lack luster fashion and had me wishing I’d learned more or perhaps had learned anything. The entire class was a $400 lesson in redundancy. While I liked being around other photographers, I quickly realized that lighting is less about calculation than it is about technique. Technique I wasn’t really taught, already sort of knew, and will have to figure out on my own. I didn’t really make any friends and my teacher, albeit nice, was more than mediocre. In the end, it was a nice experiment, but I leave with the affirmation that you can’t teach talent. I will continue to learn through other avenues and will probably take more classes. Until then, I’m afraid school has let me down once again. If nothing else, the class itself will look good on my resume and I’m somewhat glad I conquered the fear of returning to an institutional learning facility.

I’m waking up sad. My entire day is a forced smile and falsely generated inertia. I don’t feel like doing anything. Not going to work, not cleaning, not watching TV, not anything. Not anything important or fun or good for me. I’m snapping at my boyfriend for no good reason and I’m worrying about things that never used to worry me. I can feel the tension in my body and happiness seems like this thing I heard about but never had and don’t really want. My brother and I are planning a trip to Disneyland this week because he says, “I need some happiness in this world”. The unhappy news of my father has cast a shadow over the rest of my life and I can’t shake it. Work is a dismal reminder that I can’t have what should have been mine and that no matter how hard I work, I’m still second fiddle. Today I scoured MySpace looking at the profiles of people I used to know and love. People who shunned me for one reason or another, people who hurt me or cast me aside. It was a depressing walk down memory lane, but it’s these kinds of hurtful acts that fill me. Because, even though it’s depressing, it’s not thinking about how sick my dad is.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas is coming. The only thing I can see on the horizon is a long driving trip through cold deserts to see my dad…because I might not get another chance. He says he’s feeling better but part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s just saying that to keep me from crying. I’m so very glad that all of my siblings are making the effort to see him this holiday. We’re all travelling from our distant corners to be with him, take care of him, and simply be together. It’s the true meaning of Christmas. Fuck the Christmas tree, fuck work, fuck the assholes of the world. I have an amazing family. Crazy, for sure, but there when it counts. When it really counts.

Photofuture

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After years of procrastination, I’m finally putting together a proper portfolio. See, I never actually thought I could make money at photography. I figured that other people with better equipment and tougher egos could do it, not me. I was doomed to work at whatever I could to make ends meet. With the last two years of commercial photography under my belt and with my job horizon rather grey, I figured that now was the time. My time to make a go of it.

Several weeks ago I posted some ads around the net offering free headshots. I got a good response because you can’t beat the price.

You can request more info and hire me via info[AT]kristensimental.com. I’ll give you an excellent price and we’ll have fun. I also shoot concerts and bands.

Happy Holidays

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Things were as well as could be expected. I’d gotten a new car and after 4 months of (practically) begging, I was given official full time status at work…with benefits. I was wrapping my mind around Christmas and the weather was finally getting cold. Many elements of my job are pleasant and I’m dealing with the less pleasant aspects. My sister and her wife had put a bid on a house and it looked like they might actually get it. My own relationship was as wonderful as ever. Could it possibly be that after the tumultuous year I’d had, things were finally settling in? No. The fact that these good things have happened only meant that something bad was waiting around the corner. Like a cosmic serial killer, stalking it’s prey, following me down dark streets, waiting for the proper moment to strike. It stuck and with a mighty blow. Struck hard so that my head is still spinning and will continue to spin for long after the damage has been done.

On Monday I found out that my dad has cancer; several types in fact. He’s been sick for months, but we all hoped it was merely old age or an ulcer. He started losing weight and didn’t look good. When he finally gathered the courage to see a doctor, they claim he’s in pretty bad shape. He starts chemo today. I’ve been an emotional shambles all week, walking as if in a fog, and unable to remember what day it is. I missed class on Wednesday because I simply forgot. I am constantly on the brink of tears. I often cross that brink. There is a part of me that desperately wants to remain hopeful, but I’m finding it difficult.

Somehow I knew. When he first started getting sick some 6 months ago, the first thing I thought was cancer. I pushed the idea out of my head because I was scared it was true.  I am so unbelievably sad. I am in a state of shock and sometimes it feels like it’s happening to someone else. When I was little, I used to have nightmares that my dad had died. I’d wake up with tear stained cheeks and would feel this pit in my stomach the entire day. As much as I knew this day would come, I sort of hoped it wouldn’t. I think we all wish our parents would live forever, that they’ll be around to celebrate future happy days and hold grandchildren in their arms. While anything can happen and my dad might very well live to see many years, that sinking feeling I felt six months ago reminds me that it might not be so. People survive cancer everyday, don’t they. It goes away. You hear stories all the time. It doesn’t have to be a death sentence anymore. The truth is, you just don’t know. It’s the not knowing. The damned uncertainty, the white knuckle grasp onto a fleeting hope.

I love my dad. During my childhood and into my adulthood, he drank too much and smoked too much. He never ate well and suffered with high blood pressure and a thyroid condition. We used to worry he’d have a heart attack. Cancer was never on the radar.

He and his girlfriend are talking about moving back to Los Angeles in January. He won’t be able to make it down for Christmas so my brothers, sister, and I are taking Christmas to him. We’re not sure what sort of state he’ll be in, but it doesn’t matter. He wants us there and we want to be there. The oldest of my two brothers doesn’t want to fly and we can’t find a train that leaves when we need it to. It looks like we’re driving. It’ll be a 15 hour drive through cold deserts and we might come across snow or ice. I’m a little worried about the weather, but we’ll just have to make sure we’re prepared. We’ll pack everything anyone could possibly need on a trip like this. I’m going to see my dad and I don’t care what it takes to get there.